Strength

Last November, I finally decided I couldn't work anymore. That was the most difficult decision I had to make about my illness. To me, not working was a sign of failure and weakness. It took a lot of people a lot of time to tell me otherwise and convince me to file for disability. Though I moved forward with it, I felt as if the strength I gained from working was lost.

I often had to work harder and be stronger to do things others could do with ease. Working was one of those things. I can remember days, a multitude of them, where I had to push myself to get through a work day. Sometimes I failed; I would have to go home early or stay home altogether, but I never beat myself up over it because I knew I had done my best. For the most part, though, I had built a successful working life, despite my struggles.

I could remind myself of my strengths because I knew that my struggles only made me stronger. Oh, how easy it would have been to just give in, but that's not who I am. In high school, when my knee kept me from being with the other cheerleaders, I cheered from the sidelines. When I fell behind my classmates at Magic Mountain or Disneyland, I pushed and struggled alone to catch up. Any time everything in me wanted to just give up, I never did. I was strong, stronger than anyone knew, because it took me twice the effort to do what everyone else could.

When I lost my ability to work, at least work enough to pay bills, I felt I no longer had that strength. I felt I lost my worth. How could I contribute anything to anyone if this part of everyone's life was something I could not do anymore? I know of people with exactly what I have, or more, who were able to work, and here I am, so young, and yet, incapable, inferior.

I cried so many tears in the fight to accept my limits. Friends and family can attest to the fact I did not want to quit. To this day, that pain lingers. But it allowed me something I never knew I needed. Losing the ability to work forced me to find my worth in something else: a God who formed me in my mother's womb, set each day ahead of me, and knew my every struggle, triumph, failure, and desire. This God reminded me time and time again that His strength is made perfect in MY weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He told me that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).

It took losing my own strength to see that it is God who is my strength. My strength isn't dependent on how much I can work, or how hard I push myself, but on how much I rely on God. As I begin to see God's plan for my life in the things and people He is placing in my path, I realize that I needed to lose my vision of myself in order to depend on God and let Him mold me into the woman I am becoming.

I'm not even close to perfect about relying on God or letting Him judge my value and worth. But bit by bit, He is stripping away that which made me believe I could do it alone, that I didn't need help. Though it is painful, and I see but a scarred remnant of what I once was, I know God sees me becoming more beautiful and radiant as my life reflects His touch. I need to learn to see myself as God sees me, but He's working on that too. =)

I Stopped Praying for Healing

From a young age, my prayers have often been sprinkled with requests for healing.  When the pain gets really bad, that's when I pray for it the most.  As a teenager, going to a Christian school, when the teacher asked for prayer requests, I would always request healing for my knees (where it all began).

As time went on, the prayers for healing continued, yet no healing came.  I knew God was either saying "no" or "it's not time yet".  I think I always thought that with enough prayer, God would give me what I want.

But I'm done praying for healing.  It's not that I don't want to be healed, nor do I think God will never heal me.  But I've come to a powerful realization in the last few weeks.  In all my prayers, I asked for my will to be done, but never gave a thought about His.

So, I've resolved myself to a new prayer.  I'm praying that God will show me how I can use this situation for His glory.  I may never be rid of this pain, this trial, but just as Paul was given a thorn in his flesh, I believe I too have been given this for a reason.  I know as long as I have faith and allow God to use me in whatever way he can, I will be blessed despite my suffering.

I have always known  little things that got me through the worst of this.  God will never give me more than I can handle.  In God all things are possible. In my weakness, his strength is made perfect.  But I think I always applied those in hopes that I would be healed one day.  It wasn't until I started praying this new prayer that I found a new peace.  Perhaps by finally putting God's desires ahead of my own in this area, I opened a door for God to shower new blessings on me.

And healed or not, God has a plan for me.  Perhaps, gentle reader, you too have something you've been struggling with that you want more than anything for God to just take it away.  I hope this encourages you.  I truly believe there is a drastic change in us when we acknowledge God's will and desire it above our own.  Who knows how lives will be touched when we stop letting our desires get in the way of God using us for His purpose?