My Bag of Bricks

When I was seeking answers, what seems like a lifetime ago, a doctor who could give me no answers left me with this remark: "Fill a bag with 30 pounds of bricks and carry it around all day.  That's what you're doing to your body by being overweight."  Needless to say, this was not helpful.  I tried losing weight but it never stayed off and it never solved my pain.

If I could see that doctor today, I'd want to tell him, "I found my bag of bricks."  See, eventually, compassionate, knowledgeable doctors diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, a condition that causes widespread pain, fatigue, bowel problems, depression, sensitivity to stimuli, cognitive problems, and a host of other complications.  I've heard Fibromyalgia be called many things, but to me, Fibromyalgia is the bag of bricks I carry every day.

When I go out with friends, I have to carry these bricks with me.  The effort exhausts me, leaving me feeling drained at the end of the day.  Even when I stay home, doing chores or even taking a shower, I still carry my bag.  The weight slows me down and prevents me from accomplishing all I want to.  Some days, it's as if someone added more bricks to my bag.  Some days, it seems as though, miraculously, my bricks were feathers.

No one can see the bag of bricks I carry.  I have to explain it to everyone who wonders why I suffer when I don't look like I should.  Like parents hearing of their child's invisible friend, many brush it off with chagrin, as if I am making it up.  Some pity me, unable to do anything to help me.  Others, like my husband, family, and close friends, do all they can to carry some of the weight for me.  These angels make my life with my bag of bricks more bearable.

My faith is the only other thing that gets me through day to day.  Although I may have to carry these bricks, and I wonder why God gave them to me, I know that while I carry this weight, He is carrying me.  On the days when my bricks keep me from doing what I want or need to do, His grace provides.  When I believed that my bag of bricks would prevent anyone from ever wanting to get close to me, He put my wonderful husband in my path.  The blessings I have experienced, while they do not negate the burden I bear, have made it easier to carry.

I am thankful, though, for my bag of bricks.  Carrying it has opened my eyes to the people around me.  You carry a bag of bricks too.  Everyone does.  It may not be Fibromyalgia.  It may not even be a health issue.  It might simply be troubles at home, the baggage of the past, or feelings you can't seem to get past.  We all have to learn to treat others with kindness because our burdens are not always visible.

And one day, I'll fly away from this world and lay down my bag of bricks one last time, and walk and run freely straight into the loving arms of Jesus.  I'll ask Him, "Why did you give me that bag of bricks?" and He'll answer, "My child, did not your trials make you stronger?  Did you not trust me more because of your struggles?  Did you not receive manifold blessings because of it?"

And though my life with my bag of bricks will be but a memory, I'll forever be thankful that He cared enough for my character to challenge me.

I Stopped Praying for Healing

From a young age, my prayers have often been sprinkled with requests for healing.  When the pain gets really bad, that's when I pray for it the most.  As a teenager, going to a Christian school, when the teacher asked for prayer requests, I would always request healing for my knees (where it all began).

As time went on, the prayers for healing continued, yet no healing came.  I knew God was either saying "no" or "it's not time yet".  I think I always thought that with enough prayer, God would give me what I want.

But I'm done praying for healing.  It's not that I don't want to be healed, nor do I think God will never heal me.  But I've come to a powerful realization in the last few weeks.  In all my prayers, I asked for my will to be done, but never gave a thought about His.

So, I've resolved myself to a new prayer.  I'm praying that God will show me how I can use this situation for His glory.  I may never be rid of this pain, this trial, but just as Paul was given a thorn in his flesh, I believe I too have been given this for a reason.  I know as long as I have faith and allow God to use me in whatever way he can, I will be blessed despite my suffering.

I have always known  little things that got me through the worst of this.  God will never give me more than I can handle.  In God all things are possible. In my weakness, his strength is made perfect.  But I think I always applied those in hopes that I would be healed one day.  It wasn't until I started praying this new prayer that I found a new peace.  Perhaps by finally putting God's desires ahead of my own in this area, I opened a door for God to shower new blessings on me.

And healed or not, God has a plan for me.  Perhaps, gentle reader, you too have something you've been struggling with that you want more than anything for God to just take it away.  I hope this encourages you.  I truly believe there is a drastic change in us when we acknowledge God's will and desire it above our own.  Who knows how lives will be touched when we stop letting our desires get in the way of God using us for His purpose?

Sore all over

I don't know what I did, but I feel like I just finished working out. My abs, my back, arms, legs, everything hurts. I can't explain it. I'm just achey........

In other news, Thanksgiving was pretty fun. Justin actually showed up, which was good. I was afraid he'd decide not to spend it with the family because he and Mom are at odds. We ended up celebrating Josiah's birthday on Friday night. I have a few good pictures I will try to upload later. He blew out his own candle. it was so cute.

Despite having fun with the family this weekend, I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays. This is the worst time of the year to be alone. In some ways I blame myself. I don't get out much. Granted, the Fibro is the main cause of it, but I can't help but blame myself for not getting out more. If I got out and did more, maybe i wouldn't be so alone. I become more convinced the person I meet will be online, but there are so many unsavory characters online........I talked with a guy the other night and he's so obviously not good for me. He doesn't get it. It's so hard to explain my standards, my beliefs without seeming like an elitist. As much as I tried explaining it to him, he doesn't understand. I won't get involved in a relationship that cannot work. If our beliefs are so vastly different, how can it ever work? It wouldn't be so bad if he just accepted that and moved on, but he keeps talking as if he can win me over.

I talked with a friend of mine last night about this. How I'd been down that road before. How I'd been tempted to lose my virginity to that boy. He asked me if I was still a virgin and I told him I was. He told me that was admirable, which kinda shocked me. But it made me realize something else. I want a man who thinks that's admirable, not who's going to try to convince me to waver there. This guy keeps talking about how he could show me a good time and his girlfriends in the past only seemed to like him for how he was in bed. I'm not interested in that.

I have a feeling this will end in conflict. If only I fould find someone who would be exactly what I need him to be. Maybe I'm asking too much.

How I Felt......

My friend sent this to me after my colonoscopy. It's pretty much how I felt. =D

Need to get better about updating this thing

Sigh......I'm an awful journaler. I have not kept up with this thing like I should, but it's kinda been a rough couple weeks. I think my journal on the FMS forums covers most of it:
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Ok, so obviously, I've been kinda out of it. This last week has been really rough.

The constipation continued and continued despite being on 2 laxatives. I wish I had taken everyone's advice and gotten the miralax back then, but money was an issue. So, GI doc scheduled a colonoscopy for Wednesday. Tuesday was miserable!!! The prep for the scope literally drains you. I had to take the miralax (fortunately, insurance covered this bottle) and i drank tons of water. That stuff works fast! I was up and going every 10 minutes. I was so exhausted tho. Not being able to eat really anything besides jello and popsicles takes it out of you. I went to bed at 8, really early for me. Woke up around 2 and went down stairs. I was still going ever half hour.......At one point, I got that feeling you get when you have dry heaves.......I felt like I had to go with nothing to go...... I got over it in about 5 minutes, thank god, but it was really miserable. Went back to bed for a couple hours before I had to give my self 2 enemas......fun fun fun.

Colonoscopy went fairly well, aside from the waiting. Sitting in that chair really hurt my back. I was glad to get on the gurney. I was still awake for the first part of the scope, but they soon gave me enough drugs to not care anymore. Went home and rested, glad it was over and done with. They didn't find anything but some inflamation. I'm hoping this is the end of my major constipation probs..........

But, when it rains, it pours. The colonoscopy cost me $200 that I needed to borrow some money from my Dad to help cover. Then, Thursday, I discovered that my account was going to be overdrawn because my insurance hadn't posted when I thought it had. So I got my check early to cover the debt before I incurred overdraft fees. I went to deposit the check after work, and found that I was going to be overdrawn by $400. I freaked!

Turns out, my automatic bill pay to my grandma was scheduled to be paid that day. They informed me on their site that if the money wasn't available, the payment would not be made. Apparently, they don't tell you that your available balance includes $800 for your overdraft limit. So be cause I CAN be over drawn by $800, they can decide that for me. I threw a fit!

I dealt with so many people, spent an hour trying to fix it. Finally, I got them to put a stop payment on it and have it credited back to my account, but I still needed to cover the stuff that would hit. The credit wouldn't happen for a few days. I talked with a lady who said she could credit back my overdraft fees for anything that hit prior to my payment to my grandma. I had to borrow $500 from my Dad so I wouldn't go overdrawn again. In the end, after lots of frustration, tears, and phone calls, I got everything covered and had about $100 to get me through the weekend.

But, does my tale end there? no. Thinking that it's the weekend, and I'm glad the week is over, I settled in for a nice weekend, no responsibilities other than to do laundry. I realized Saturday that I needed to get some food. And I was all out of Diet Rite, my one vice, so I decided to drive to the store. On the way back, I somehow wasn't paying attention and ran a red light...........Into traffic.

There were 2 lanes of traffic making a left turn on to my street. I managed to miss the cars in the first lane, but hit a car in the second one. Fortunately no one was hurt, and the damage wasn't that bad. But, That is an at fault accident that's going to possibly cause my rates to go up, and because I don't have comp/collision on my old clunker, I don't get any money for those repairs. The damage to my car isn't horrid. It still drives, and I don't think anything will impair the function of the vehicle. Surprisingly, my parking light, which was smashed in the impact, still turns on. lol. Headlights work, nothing under the hood was touched. Seems to just be some body damage. Considering my car is almost 14 years old, I'm ok with a little body damage. It doesn't bother me any. As long as it gets me from point a to point b, I'm fine.

So, I made the decision not to leave my house for the rest of the weekend. But, in hindsight, There's quite a bit I can be thankful for. I'm 7 pounds lighter than before because of cleaning me out, i think. I'm back at work, and physically doing pretty well today. The $500 is back in my account as of today, and things are starting to look up.

Looks like it stopped raining.

When you see me

A friend of mine on my Fibromyalgia Support Forum posted this in her journal. I had to share it. This is exactly how I feel. This is what Fibromyalgia is like.

When you see me on a "good day"
I may look as if nothing’s wrong,
But I, myself, am very aware
That the energy won’t last long.

You may think that I am lazy,
Or I just don’t like to try,
Or maybe I am just depressed,
When sometimes you see me cry.

You may not understand me,
It’s not easy to explain,
The struggles that I so often endure,
As I live each day in pain.

People may offer their opinions,
Thinking that I just need some advice,
Yet they don’t really comprehend,
Although they are trying to be nice.

What for some may be so easy,
Is almost impossible to me,
But because I may look healthy,
Many around me fail to see.

Perhaps it seems that I’m sloppy,
If I would only take more pride,
It’s sad that many don’t stop to see,
The person who is inside.

Planning things is so hard to do,
With each day uncertain fate,
The best that I can do is try,
And oftentimes I have to wait.

Life can be so stressful,
Even when you have your health,
Many people cannot even imagine,
Giving up their dreams and wealth.

While some people may worry,
How to fit everything into each day,
Others of us must struggle,
To even find a way.

So often misunderstood,
Some say that is must be "in my head,"
Yet there are days that it takes all I have
To even get out of bed.

You’d think that if one is weary,
Then why not just take a nap,
But the fatigue at times is so severe,
That nothing seems to help.

If exercise were the answer,
I would just move into a gym,
But intolerance and unbearable pain
Makes it difficult to stay trim.

That’s alright just take a pill--
Medications can always do some good,
However, sometimes the effects are far worse,
Oh, but how wonderful it would be if I could!

Living each day fighting defeat,
Knowing that you can’t give up and quit,
Even though it gets hard to do,
Find ways of accepting it.

I guess it would be a better thing,
If there were a little more support,
Everyone longs for acceptance and love,
As they keep their life in sort.

If I could make the world aware,
Help them to see things in a new light,
Be careful on what they base their view,
That they may receive a new insight.

Then maybe when someone else comes along,
Who is going through something unknown,
They may not feel so hopeless and scared,
And will know that they’re not alone.

Whether it be a terminal thing,
Or something chronic with no known cure,
There are many processes that will be faced
In this we can rest assured.

The grieving over loss is hard,
Whatever the loss may be.
What may be just a bump for you,
Could seem like a mountain to me.

Everyone responds so differently,
We all have our own ways to cope,
But the one thing that we must never do,
Is believe that there’s no hope.

For I faithfully trust in God above,
And no matter what the future may bring,
I know that He is holding my hand,
And He’s in control of EVERYTHING.

by Mary Hastings

written May 2003

Can't Believe I'm Actually Awake

You know, of all the things I deal with with my FMS, I hate the sleepless nights the most. I don't feel I get enough rest as it is, and then my body decides sleep just isn't going to happen. Last night, I took all my meds, NyQuil for a cold I'm fighting off, and went upstairs to bed. For an hour and a half, I tossed and turned. I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. Just when I thought I'd fall asleep, the pain started shooting through my arms (of all the places). I tried adjusting the pillow I usually hold (to support my arms.....noticed it usually helps with the pain). No matter what I did, I couldn't get to sleep. So, I gave up and went downstairs to do some work on my computer. At 5:00, I finally felt like I could actually sleep. I went back upstairs and fell sleepily into bed. 3 hours to go until my alarm clock goes off to wake me for work. Fortunately I did fall asleep almost immediately. 9:00 (yes, I slept through the alarm for an hour) I got up, got ready and headed into work. Fortunately, I work for my Dad, and he's understanding of FMS and what it does to me. He doesn't mind if I'm late as long as I get my work done.

So here I am, supposedly working (well, waiting on help to work on computers. Not able to lift them up to the desk like I used to.....at least not this week), and yet wide awake. Apparently, the sleep I got, if short, was restful. Thank God for small favors!