Surprise!! It's Christmas!!

If you struggle with pain in your hands from reading, I highly recommend an e-reader.  Below I share how I ended up with my Kindle.  It's made a huge difference for me.

A few Christmases ago, I remember talking to my friend, Sarah, about how it had gone.  Only a day or two after the holiday, we talked about what we had gotten, and what we had given.  She asked if I had gotten everything I wanted.  I casually mentioned I would have loved an e-book reader, but knowing money was tight and I hadn't realized my desire for one until too close to the holiday, I hadn't gotten it.

It was one of those things I casually shrugged off.  I had figured I would just look into getting one myself.  I was going through one of my heavy reading phases and I realized how much pain it caused me to hold open a book, especially a hardcover book.  I love reading in bed, especially on bad nights, and it was so painful and bothersome that I would often just not bother.  I figured a Nook or Kindle would alleviate that problem, but I was just going to have to wait.

Or so I thought.  Sarah and I made plans to just have a quiet night of talking.  She would come over and we could just relax.  Sarah is a sneaky one.  I hadn't been to Bible Study for a bit, which is how we know each other, mostly because my pain had hit it's peak.  I was also going through a lot of personal issues at the time, so it became too much for me to handle.

When I opened the door, I greeted Sarah and her husband, Chris.  I hadn't expected him, but that was ok.  The more the merrier.  A few minutes later, there was another knock at the door.  I wasn't expecting anyone else, but apparently Sarah was.  A couple more people from Bible Study were there, and I began to see what was going on.  I was an unexpected hostess to a surprise party for me!

The nice thing is I really didn't have to do anything.  Everyone else brought food and drinks.  I was given a plate and told to sit (paper plates thankfully, so I had no dishes to do later either).  Sarah and I laughed about how sneaky she had been.  It was a great night and I was happy to share it with my closest friends.  We all gathered in the living room to talk and eat pizza.

As we were finishing up our pizza, I was presented with another surprise.  One by one, for the simple reason of "being a good hostess", I was handed a piece of cardboard by my guests. Pieces of a puzzle I started putting together.  I had a good idea what it was with the first piece or two.  The finished puzzle was a black and white image of a Kindle.

I was then informed that it had been ordered and would be shipped to my house in a few days.  Apparently the Bible Study had all chipped in to buy one for me.  I didn't know what to say.  No one but my family had ever spent more than $20 on a present for me, or had put the kind of thought into it that they had.  It meant so much to me that they would go to this trouble for me.

And the gift, the Kindle, has been a life saver.  Weighing less than most books, and even taking up less space than a paperback, the Kindle has allowed me to do more reading than I otherwise could have.  Since the popularity of the smartphones, I prefer my Bible app on there, but used to carry my bible to church with me on my Kindle.

I've now owned it for a few years.  Even with newer models coming out, I love my little black and white kindle.  No irritating screen backlight to prompt a migraine.  Fits perfectly in my purse and easy to keep within arms reach.  I've been expanding my library.  I'm always looking for free ebooks on Amazon or other places online.  I'm also working on replacing my physical books with ebooks.  Too many years of not reading my Harry Potter books has irritated me.  Over the last several weeks, I've re-read most of the Left Behind Series.  Still working on it.

To this day, I will not forget the love that was shown to me that night.  Real friends are hard to come by and they've shown many times since then just how much I am loved.  The Kindle has been another step in establishing normalcy with Fibro.  Where before I found the pain of reading actual books to be unbearable, I can now read without pain.  I can manage a vast library on my computer and sync it to my Kindle, making it much easier to find books I want to read.  More and more publishers are adding ebooks to their repertoire.  I highly recommend some kind of e-reader, Kindle, Nook or otherwise.  The older models without the blacklight seem better to me.  I can read on my smartphone if I like, but my kindle doesn't give me headaches if I read too long.

Baking Cookies

Finding something to occupy my time is a daily challenge.  There are things I have to do, things I've been meaning to do, things I want to do, and things I don't.  I enjoyed a combination of them today.

First thing this morning, I was supposed to babysit my nephew.  I had a rough night last night, staying up too late reading on my Kindle, though even that did not lull me to sleep.  I took a muscle relaxer, but oddly it seemed my muscle pain and spasms increased.  Eventually, some music to relax me and I fell asleep.  Not early enough, though as When 10:30 came around (and so did my sister-in-law and nephew) I was still out.

I woke up quickly, though, with his bright, smiling face!  That kid always makes my day!  But while I was watching him, I remembered the jar of cookie mix from the baby shower for him.  I'd been meaning for ages to make them.  I wanted to do it on a day when hubby would be home to enjoy them fresh from the oven, but it seemed that I was often in too much pain or too fatigued to do so.  Somehow revitalized by my visit with my nephew, I felt the urge to bake cookies.  Once his dad had picked him up, I proceeded to get everything together to start baking.

I learned a few things from this.  First is, don't let a mason jar of cookie ingredients sit for over a year.  I think I doubled my work having the sugar, brown sugar, and flour so compacted and hard to break up.  I did, of course, but just mixing the dry ingredients was enough to start the back pain.

Second, I need to get REAL mixing bowls!  I was recently blessed to receive a hand mixer (thank you, Doreen!) but it was far too messy using it in that little pyrex bowl I use for my biggest mixing projects.  It usually works well for mashed potatoes, but even being my biggest bowl, it was too small for these cookies.

Lastly, I think next time I'll be splitting up the job to save my back.  Once I get proper mixing bowls, I think I'll start by mixing the dry ingredients, rest a bit, add the wet while the oven preheats and throw them in.  I underestimated how much work such a simple thing would be.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, and the cookies are good!

I just have to plan better next time.

And get real mixing bowls.  Gentle Hugs!

My Mistakes in Filing for Disability

If you have fibro, or any chronic disease, there is every possibility you will file for disability.  I was forced to.  At the age of 25, I found myself unable to work.  I thought I could take a break, regain my health, and go back, but I couldn't.  So I filed.  It was the hardest decision of my life.  I had worked hard all my life, even as a child babysitting or working for my family business.  I was a hard worker in school.  So I wasn't prepared for the realities of losing all that.

Today was my hearing day for my disability case.  I have been through 2 denials, and sought the assistance of an attorney after the first.  After today, there is a slim chance I'll win, for reasons I'll get into here.  It is highly likely, however, that I will lose my case and the ramifications of that are not fun.

Social Security Process

First off, for those of you who have no idea what to expect, here's how the process goes.  You apply, either online or in a Social Security office.  They base your disability on several factors: 

• Do you have a medical issue?
• Is it expected to last more than 12 months?
• Will it result in death?
• • and if it does not, then Are you capable of working ANY job, even the most sedentary job you can imagine?

You will then be ordered to see a SS doctor their medical opinion.  Frankly, don't let it bother you too much.  They see you for all of 5 to 10 minutes and shove you out the door.  If you don't get a favorable opinion, it's not the end of the world.

You will be approved or denied based on the evidence you submitted and the doctors' opinions.  Most people are denied.  You can appeal it, and either be approved or denied again.  If you are denied a second time, you can request a hearing.

My recommendation is to get a lawyer at the beginning.  They only get paid if you win, they help you with the paperwork, and they get a maximum of $6000 out of your back pay, which you never even see.  It's held by the Social Security office and they pay your lawyer.

Overall, the process is simple, if lengthy.  But I made some key mistakes that may cost me my benefits.  I want others to be aware ahead of time so you can stand a better chance.

Document! Document! Document!

First of all, document everything!  I heard it multiple times, and I assumed that when I went to the doctor, what I said was being documented.  It turned out, my primary rheumatologist never kept the records indicating my symptoms.  I was asked to rate my pain, I stated the symptoms I was dealing with, but never verified they were in my records.  Turns they were not.  So I walked into my hearing with no medical evidence of the severity of my symptoms.  So, make sure your  doctors are documenting EVERYTHING.

Complain

I know, complaining sounds bad, but in your disability case, it may make the difference.  What this does is make sure that it goes into your record how your symptoms are progressing.  Using this information, the judge can determine the severity of your symptoms, which you will need to prove to win your case.

Never give up!

If you are like me and have difficulty getting health insurance, don't give up.  Seek out free clinics, cheap doctors, anything to establish that you are trying to continue your treatment.  And even if they cannot do anything for your fibro but refill your existing meds, continue to mention your fibro, your symptoms, and how they affect you.  I was able to find a free clinic, but I didn't bother with anything but general health and getting my pain meds refilled because I knew they could not do any more than that.  I didn't see the need to complain, and that was a big mistake on my part because they were the ones that ACTUALLY kept records.  The fact you are attempting to continue treatment in some way will prove beneficial, otherwise the judge will wonder why, if your pain is so bad, why weren't you seeking treatment.

Timing is important!

If you are filing for SSDI (which you pay into as you work) you have a final day that you can win your case.  They call this the "Date Last Insured".  This is your deadline to win your case.  If you do not win your case by that date, you can only apply for SSI (which is based on household income).

Ramifications of losing and the option to withdraw

The last thing you should be aware of is that if the judge at your hearing denies your appeal, this is your last chance.  You lose your case, period.  All evidence provided can no longer be used.  You may refile, but you can only date it back to the day following your hearing date.  You do have the option to withdraw if your case is weak.  What this does is it preserves everything you've submitted and you can reopen your case and if you win after reopening, you will get back pay to your original onset date.  You still have to win by your "Date Last Insured".

One more thing to note, which was the deciding factor for me, is that should you withdraw, you must reopen your case within 1 year of your last denial.  For me that date had already past.  You can, however, have an attorney get involved and they can file the appropriate motions to reopen the case.  Basically, after the year, you'll NEED an attorney.

The hearing itself

Despite the risks, I decided to go forward with the hearing.  With all the factors involved, I felt I had little to lose by trying, even though the odds were against me.  In the hearing itself, there are very few people: the judge, stenographer, you, your lawyer (if you have one) and possibly a vocational assessor.  The vocational assessor will help the judge figure out if there is any job they believe you are capable of.  Aside from swearing the oath, mine said nothing while I was there.  I believe after I left, she spoke with the judge.

After the preliminaries (date, case number, my name and information, etc, etc), my lawyer proceeded to ask me a series of questions.  Some of the most important were how long I could sit, stand, and walk.  What was my average day like?  Why did I feel I was incapable of working?  After all the questions, my lawyer asked me if there was anything I wanted to address or say to the judge.

My response was this:  I worked hard all my life, even as a child.  I would babysit, or go work at the family business doing filing or answering phones.  I kept up a good work ethic and the day I realized I couldn't work was the hardest thing.  Deciding to go on disability was the most difficult decision of my life and one I did not take lightly.  I said if I could work, I would love to, but the combination of the pain making me unable to sit for more than 2 hours, the cognitive issues that had me asking how to do a job I knew how to do, the insomnia keeping me at my worst, the migraines hitting out of nowhere, and the other symptoms that interfered with my day made it impossible for me to be a reliable employee.

Once all that was done, my judge basically looked at my lawyer, and said, "I believe the testimony, but the medical evidence is not supportive of this."  I was permitted to address the judge and mentioned that I was upset and disappointed that, although I had indicated my issues with fibromyalgia and my doctor had even approved temporary state disability for me, that none of that was in my medical records.  I explained that I had been addressing my complaints to the only rheumatologist I had seen regularly.  I also explained that I was uninsured for much of the time and was unable to provide this information to anyone, but that I was currently seeking a care team to continue my treatment.

My lawyer mentioned they were still playing phone tag for some records and the judge agreed to withhold his decision until my lawyer could provide those.

If I had any advice to offer, it would be to stress the things that are difficult for you that should not be.  For example, in explaining my average day, I stressed that I woke up every morning, stiff and in pain.  Took meds, ate breakfast and rested for a little bit.  Said that I would do chores, like dishes or laundry for a few minutes, then lie down for anywhere from an hour to 3 hours.  I told the judge that at night, when I cuddled with my husband, and laid my head on his chest, I could only do so for a few minutes before my neck hurt so bad I couldn't bear it any longer.  I even, embarrassingly, mentioned, that I often went 2 weeks to a month without shaving because I couldn't physically handle it.

Also, be yourself.  Don't feel like you have to hide anything or make things seem better or worse than they are (lying under oath is a crime, after all).  But make sure you accurately explain everything to the best of your ability.  Be as genuine as possible.  And don't let the stress get to you.  You may just need to take a second, compose, and straighten out your thoughts.  If the fog gets in the way, don't be afraid to say so!  In fact, they asked me about my hobbies and I literally said, "I know I have more, but I can't remember them."

Fibro cases are notoriously difficult and lengthy.  They can be won, and hopefully my mistakes will help make it easier when you file for yours.

My Bag of Bricks

When I was seeking answers, what seems like a lifetime ago, a doctor who could give me no answers left me with this remark: "Fill a bag with 30 pounds of bricks and carry it around all day.  That's what you're doing to your body by being overweight."  Needless to say, this was not helpful.  I tried losing weight but it never stayed off and it never solved my pain.

If I could see that doctor today, I'd want to tell him, "I found my bag of bricks."  See, eventually, compassionate, knowledgeable doctors diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, a condition that causes widespread pain, fatigue, bowel problems, depression, sensitivity to stimuli, cognitive problems, and a host of other complications.  I've heard Fibromyalgia be called many things, but to me, Fibromyalgia is the bag of bricks I carry every day.

When I go out with friends, I have to carry these bricks with me.  The effort exhausts me, leaving me feeling drained at the end of the day.  Even when I stay home, doing chores or even taking a shower, I still carry my bag.  The weight slows me down and prevents me from accomplishing all I want to.  Some days, it's as if someone added more bricks to my bag.  Some days, it seems as though, miraculously, my bricks were feathers.

No one can see the bag of bricks I carry.  I have to explain it to everyone who wonders why I suffer when I don't look like I should.  Like parents hearing of their child's invisible friend, many brush it off with chagrin, as if I am making it up.  Some pity me, unable to do anything to help me.  Others, like my husband, family, and close friends, do all they can to carry some of the weight for me.  These angels make my life with my bag of bricks more bearable.

My faith is the only other thing that gets me through day to day.  Although I may have to carry these bricks, and I wonder why God gave them to me, I know that while I carry this weight, He is carrying me.  On the days when my bricks keep me from doing what I want or need to do, His grace provides.  When I believed that my bag of bricks would prevent anyone from ever wanting to get close to me, He put my wonderful husband in my path.  The blessings I have experienced, while they do not negate the burden I bear, have made it easier to carry.

I am thankful, though, for my bag of bricks.  Carrying it has opened my eyes to the people around me.  You carry a bag of bricks too.  Everyone does.  It may not be Fibromyalgia.  It may not even be a health issue.  It might simply be troubles at home, the baggage of the past, or feelings you can't seem to get past.  We all have to learn to treat others with kindness because our burdens are not always visible.

And one day, I'll fly away from this world and lay down my bag of bricks one last time, and walk and run freely straight into the loving arms of Jesus.  I'll ask Him, "Why did you give me that bag of bricks?" and He'll answer, "My child, did not your trials make you stronger?  Did you not trust me more because of your struggles?  Did you not receive manifold blessings because of it?"

And though my life with my bag of bricks will be but a memory, I'll forever be thankful that He cared enough for my character to challenge me.

Strength

Last November, I finally decided I couldn't work anymore. That was the most difficult decision I had to make about my illness. To me, not working was a sign of failure and weakness. It took a lot of people a lot of time to tell me otherwise and convince me to file for disability. Though I moved forward with it, I felt as if the strength I gained from working was lost.

I often had to work harder and be stronger to do things others could do with ease. Working was one of those things. I can remember days, a multitude of them, where I had to push myself to get through a work day. Sometimes I failed; I would have to go home early or stay home altogether, but I never beat myself up over it because I knew I had done my best. For the most part, though, I had built a successful working life, despite my struggles.

I could remind myself of my strengths because I knew that my struggles only made me stronger. Oh, how easy it would have been to just give in, but that's not who I am. In high school, when my knee kept me from being with the other cheerleaders, I cheered from the sidelines. When I fell behind my classmates at Magic Mountain or Disneyland, I pushed and struggled alone to catch up. Any time everything in me wanted to just give up, I never did. I was strong, stronger than anyone knew, because it took me twice the effort to do what everyone else could.

When I lost my ability to work, at least work enough to pay bills, I felt I no longer had that strength. I felt I lost my worth. How could I contribute anything to anyone if this part of everyone's life was something I could not do anymore? I know of people with exactly what I have, or more, who were able to work, and here I am, so young, and yet, incapable, inferior.

I cried so many tears in the fight to accept my limits. Friends and family can attest to the fact I did not want to quit. To this day, that pain lingers. But it allowed me something I never knew I needed. Losing the ability to work forced me to find my worth in something else: a God who formed me in my mother's womb, set each day ahead of me, and knew my every struggle, triumph, failure, and desire. This God reminded me time and time again that His strength is made perfect in MY weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He told me that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).

It took losing my own strength to see that it is God who is my strength. My strength isn't dependent on how much I can work, or how hard I push myself, but on how much I rely on God. As I begin to see God's plan for my life in the things and people He is placing in my path, I realize that I needed to lose my vision of myself in order to depend on God and let Him mold me into the woman I am becoming.

I'm not even close to perfect about relying on God or letting Him judge my value and worth. But bit by bit, He is stripping away that which made me believe I could do it alone, that I didn't need help. Though it is painful, and I see but a scarred remnant of what I once was, I know God sees me becoming more beautiful and radiant as my life reflects His touch. I need to learn to see myself as God sees me, but He's working on that too. =)

Mercies in Disguise

I've been going through a lot lately.  Emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I'm stunningly aware of my vulnerability as I go through the emotions of a child with divorcing parents. I daily feel the ache and longing for love after a breakup. And some days that's enough to want to stay in bed, even if I didn't have to deal with my Fibro.

It's times like this I fully realize that I can't do it.  I am weak.  I am frail.  And there is no reason for me to think anything good could come from my future.  Except for one thing.  I know in all of this, God is holding my hand, guiding me, and even when it feels like I'm walking alone, like the Footprints in the Sand poem, those are the times He carries me.

One of the biggest ways God speaks to me is through music.  I had the most beautiful experience the other night.  I had spent most of the day crying.  I was in pain, everywhere, but mostly in my heart.  I found myself questioning God.  I cried out to Him, "What more do you want from me?!  I can't take anymore!"

That night, sobbing and with nothing left to do but pray and sleep, I turned on the radio like I do every night.  For 2 hours straight, song after song played that said exactly what I needed to hear.  It was like God programmed the radio just for me.  I felt Him say, "I'm sorry you are hurting.  But I am with you.  I won't leave you.  All your worries, all your fears, cast them on me.  You are my child and I will take care of you."

I cried, but not in anguish as I had that day.  My tears were tears of healing.  My God is my Comforter.  And that night, though there are 6 billion people in the world, I felt His undivided attention and love.

One song that I have been hearing everywhere lately is called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  It has been played everywhere, and I bought it and keep it on my phone just so I can listen to it when I need to.  I watched a video on YouTube where she explained the backstory of this song.  I love hearing the story behind songs and I could relate to this one.  The link is above, but to summarize, a year and a half into her marriage, her husband developed a brain tumor.  In faith, she and her husband pray for healing, but it doesn't come.  She has struggled with how to reconcile a God who allows such things to happen, but she says God is teaching her that sometimes He has to leave us broken so he can work through us in greater ways.

The story is similar to mine with fibromyalgia and so I can relate to it.  Perhaps that is why her song touches me so much.  I'll link the lyrics here.  In her song she asks, "What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?"  I've been learning lately that it is not through the easy times in life that we learn or are perfected, but it is through our trials. In our suffering, God slowly, and yes, painfully, chips a little away here, smooths there.  All to make us more beautiful.  More like Him.

Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (NASB)

But we also have to remember that while God is making us more like Him, he does not do it remotely.  He is THERE with you.  He will comfort and guide you and He will never put on you more than you can bear.

2 Corinthians 1:2 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 

Psalm 34:10 The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing. 

This isn't even the best part.  These things are good and we need to hear them.  We need to know that God doesn't abandon us when life becomes too difficult.  The best part, however, comes at the end of the song: 

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

Deep down, inside every person, is the longing - no, the desperation -  for more than this world can offer.  We are all homesick.  The human heart was made with a longing for heaven and nothing in this world can come close to what we need.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

How much greater will our homecoming be after the trials here on Earth?  I think we probably couldn't appreciate the greatness of heaven without enduring here in this world.  How much more will we enjoy the eternal, never-ending presence of God in our midst, day after day, having had the anticipation in this life?  What if all our trials, all our suffering, every person who hurts us, the guilt and fear and anger we feel, are indeed mercies in disguise, allowing God to prove to us that our faith is not empty?  What if this is just another way God make's himself known to us?

Like Laura Story sings, "What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

As always, I would appreciate any comments about my posts.  Thoughts, encouragement, and criticism are welcome.  I am constantly developing as a writer and as a child of God and I would love to hear from you.

A Little At A Time

Today's going to be one of those days.  I knew that yesterday.  And Why?  Because I didn't follow my #1 rule.  "A Little At A Time".

The one thing having fibromyalgia has taught me is that pacing yourself is paramount.  For about a year now, I've kept to the "One Major" rule.  One major task a day.  Work or shopping; never both.  Any more than one, and I risk a flare.  No, "risk" is the wrong word.  That indicates there's only a chance.  "Ensure".  I ensure a flare.

So, here's the ultimate question: what made me think I could do 3 shopping trips yesterday?  In my defense, the third was unintended.  Though, if I am to be honest with myself, I was not even up to shopping at all.  I had eyed the stairs between me and my clothes with dread.  My legs burned and my shoulders were in agony by the time I got up the stairs.  Somehow, I got up the gumption to get dressed and wait downstairs for my Mom to pick me up.

But I forgot my socks so back upstairs I went.

Fortunately there was about an hour still of waiting for Mom, so I got a little rest.  I had 2 goals: grocery shopping and a run to the craft store.  Mom wanted to stop at another store to pick up some stuff for the house, and I had to admit, I wanted to go as well anyway. I got some much needed stuff for my bedroom, so it wasn't for naught.

Next stop was Michael's. This is always a doozy for me.  Every time I plan to go, I think it will be a quick run to pick up a few things.  But I can't help but look at everything when I go.  It's like a candy store.  So many bits and baubles and inspiration around every turn.  It's glorious!

Somehow, I managed to not get the very thing I went there to buy.  I don't understand how a craft store can completely run out of black embroidery floss, but they did.  Oh well, I'll buy it later.

Now for the groceries.  As we pulled in, and I reminded Mom of my handicapped placard (lifesaver!), I thought, "OK, I've walked through all the other stores, so  I can just take the scooter this time.  It's probably best."   Isn't it just my luck, there were none.

OK, I'll be dead on my feet by the end of the day, but I'll muddle through.  A third of the way through the store and I'm ready to quit.  But I really need to get some things, so I press on.  What do I find when I finally check out?  If you guessed "scooter" you were right.  Figures, right?

By this time, I'm wiped out.  Thank God for little brothers.  Andrew and Evan were a huge help getting my groceries put away.  I spent the rest of the night doing nothing. Ok, that's not true, I did get the non-perishables put away.  Even after all I'd put myself through that day, I still had the urge to DO something.  I resisted the urge to clean my room up a bit when I went to bed.

Exhausted as my day made me, I woke up early this morning.  I always know it's going to be bad when I wake up early.  It doesn't change how tired I am, I'm just awake.  So, I'm expecting the next couple of days to be rough.  I really hope I can make it to church on Sunday.

The moral of this story: It doesn't matter how much everyone else can manage in a day, never do more than you are capable of doing.  A Little at a Time.  Doing otherwise turns you into me: taking naps at 10 in the morning.  Speaking of which, I'm heading upstairs.  I need more sleep if I'm going to be up to my One Task tonight.

Hoping you all take everything A Little at a Time.  (I eagerly look forward to questions or comments about my writing.  Constructive criticism is also welcome.  Thank you to all of you who read these and learn something from them.)

I Stopped Praying for Healing

From a young age, my prayers have often been sprinkled with requests for healing.  When the pain gets really bad, that's when I pray for it the most.  As a teenager, going to a Christian school, when the teacher asked for prayer requests, I would always request healing for my knees (where it all began).

As time went on, the prayers for healing continued, yet no healing came.  I knew God was either saying "no" or "it's not time yet".  I think I always thought that with enough prayer, God would give me what I want.

But I'm done praying for healing.  It's not that I don't want to be healed, nor do I think God will never heal me.  But I've come to a powerful realization in the last few weeks.  In all my prayers, I asked for my will to be done, but never gave a thought about His.

So, I've resolved myself to a new prayer.  I'm praying that God will show me how I can use this situation for His glory.  I may never be rid of this pain, this trial, but just as Paul was given a thorn in his flesh, I believe I too have been given this for a reason.  I know as long as I have faith and allow God to use me in whatever way he can, I will be blessed despite my suffering.

I have always known  little things that got me through the worst of this.  God will never give me more than I can handle.  In God all things are possible. In my weakness, his strength is made perfect.  But I think I always applied those in hopes that I would be healed one day.  It wasn't until I started praying this new prayer that I found a new peace.  Perhaps by finally putting God's desires ahead of my own in this area, I opened a door for God to shower new blessings on me.

And healed or not, God has a plan for me.  Perhaps, gentle reader, you too have something you've been struggling with that you want more than anything for God to just take it away.  I hope this encourages you.  I truly believe there is a drastic change in us when we acknowledge God's will and desire it above our own.  Who knows how lives will be touched when we stop letting our desires get in the way of God using us for His purpose?

You Suck at Pessimism

Perusing some of my favorite web comics yielded this, today.  I guess I was a little surprised as XKCD is usually a techie, geeky, nerdy comic site.  But, as I've been spending days deciding what to write about, this was as good as anything for inspiration.

Like our protagonist here, I've found myself feeling scared about my illness.  I've run the gamut of emotions regarding my fibromyalgia.  When I was first diagnosed, there was an indescribable feeling of relief:  after years of trying to find out what was wrong and doctors just saying "lose weight", I had an answer.  I can remember before I was diagnosed, if I would have to leave someplace early because of my pain, I'd feel the need to explain it as "my knee is acting up" because that was the only answer I had ever had for my pain.  But truthfully, it wasn't usually my knee.  I'd go home in pain because of my neck or my back or something else.  But how could I say "I'm hurting too much from something and I have no idea why"?

So, having the answer lifted a huge weight off my shoulder.  Since then, I've experienced the highs and lows one would expect with a chronic illness.  The depression that's been around for about as long as my pain likes to rear its ugly head.  It's tough to fight off the feelings that I'm living with this for what will likely be several decades.  It's hard to shake the knowledge that as time goes by, my body will feel worse.  Worst is knowing that I disappoint people with what I can't do, no matter how much those people may understand.

The argument in the comic that it's all about having a good attitude is one that is easier said than done.  When you're looking at someone dealing with chronic pain, it's easy to say "Just have a positive outlook".  But when you're the one dealing with it, it's another thing altogether.  How do you have a positive outlook when you feel 40 years older than you are?  Where is the positive in losing your independence?

At some point, you come to the realization that the negative feelings never go away.  Until a cure is found, you will feel all the stages of grief again and again.  But, in my experience, usually at the end of all this you come to an even deeper realization of yourself.

You come out stronger, more sure of yourself.  You realize that you deal with this crappy disease and you're still alive.  You deal with the pain every day and yet still try to do as much of what you used to do as possible.  And in lots of ways, you end up better for your suffering.  You learn what and who is not worth your energy.  You return to the little things to keep busy.

And, although you have all the reason in the world to be great at it, you really suck at pessimism.