Fatigue...or Exhaustion. Take your pick.

I'm sooooo tired.  It's been a long week.  And it's only Wednesday!

Monday, I managed to work 6 hours!  I was kinda excited because I haven't worked a 6 hour day in quite a while.  I just have to remember that on days I work, I need to limit myself.  Monday, after work, I went to the grocery store to buy some much needed food.  Just a half hour trip for a handful of items knocked me out for the rest of the day.

On the other hand, after my rheumy ordered me to double my citalopram (anti-depressant) in hopes that it would help my fibro, I'm lots happier.  I don't know yet if it's working, but I'm happy! lol

Yesterday, I took the day off work because I needed my tires replaced.  I've had a slow leak in one for ages.  Grandma offered to help me pay for it so we went to Big O Tires.  Grandma wasn't willing to pay that, but with quote in hand, I could make some phone calls.  So far it seems Sears is the best price, and after calling to reactivate my credit card with them, I can put it on my card and not worry about borrowing yet more from Grandma.  Of course, Grandma gave me the "pay on time every month, don't get late fees" lecture, but I know she means well.

Last night was the orientation for my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  Jeff Bryant led it and explained how therapy with Kaiser Permanente works.  There were about 20-25 people there, with different issues.  I only know because some people would mention specific issues and ask questions.  I was surprised how many people were unconcerned with complete strangers knowing what they suffer from.  /shrug

Anyway, after the orientation, I hung around for a bit, waiting for the line of people setting up appointments to die down so I could make mine.  I could have called, but I know I would have forgotten and I hate making phone calls anyway.  I wasn't in any hurry to leave, so I set up with a semi-comfortable chair while everyone else worked out schedules.  I am truly glad working for Dad means I have a very flexible schedule.  And it's not just because I'm his daughter either; he's always been easy going about schedule.  He only cares if the job gets done.

So I finally get to make my appointment (I've learned life is so much less stressful if I am patient;  I have no problem waiting for everyone else to finish).  I have my first session scheduled for next Wednesday with the same guy who led orientation.  He seemed very pleasant and I'm eager to work with him.

Still working on my Princess Peach cross stitch.  I should be able to get some pictures up soon.  I just can't get the lighting right and I'm too tired to bother right now.

Reviving my Blog

Well, it's almost been a year since I posted to my blog, and I think it's time to revive it.  I love to write, but sometimes I lack the diligence to actually do it like I should.

If there's one thing this year has taught me so far, it's how to take life one day at a time.  In January, I had my gall bladder removed because I started having trouble with gallstones.  Unfortunately, I had little understanding of what impact that would have on me.  I expected perhaps a few extra weeks of recovery than the average person might have due to my fibromyalgia, but 6 months later, I'm still struggling to work a decent amount of hours.

My goal?  for now, it's 4 hours a day M-F.  Right now, I'm working pretty much as much as I can, usually amounts to about 10 hours a week.  This week I've nearly killed myself to work more.  But I turned in 15 hours on my timecard this week, plus the holiday, I expect a good paycheck.  The real struggle for me is waking up early enough so I can get to work before noon.

But, progress is progress.  Slow and steady wins the race.  And all the other lame catchphrases I tell myself to feel better.

Fight Like a Girl - Bomshel

Don't ever forget you are brave and beautiful. So Fight like a girl!




Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible
To them
She ran home cryin'
"Why do they hate me?"
And Mama wiped the tears and said
"Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful.

So, hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

At 31 she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceilin'
She was never gonna be one of the boys, no
She coulda gave up on her ambition
And spent the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'

"Hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names

Ten years of climbin' that ladder
Oh, but money and power don't matter
When the doctor said "the cancer spread"
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says "this is just another test God gave me.
And I know just how to handle this"

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it Hell
I'll take on this world
If I stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like
Like a girl

I never want to forget this

Going through a rough patch right now with my Fibro and emotions. I posted this on the DailyStrength Fibromyalgia Forums:

I've always been a caring person. I keep my friends close and care deeply about what happens to them. I borderline fear letting them down. I tend to care too much, and sometimes it feels misplaced. (I think theres more than a little "people-pleaser" in me.)

But, I find, when I take these things to heart, it really wears me out. I feel it physically. No one seems to understand the physical ramifications of what I'm feeling. I learned long ago crying would oddly be a release and a stressor at the same time. I really struggle with my emotions and it literally hurts. To top it off, I struggle with depression. I've beaten it in the past, but I seem so much more prone to it these days.

I guess, my question, to get to the point, is how do i deal with this? Is there a way to care about people without my own physical pain? Is it a failing in me to manage my emotions? Is the only option to save me pain to stop caring?

I don't know if I'm making sense........but I'm hoping someone out there will understand where i'm coming from.

And got this reply:

First off..Accept Who you are, and What you are about...putting yourself out there as Real will attract Like people...

I had an Odd {for me} experience about 5 Weeks ago...I had a Dr. that easily showed Compassion...this is No shit, I cried...Relief, Release...yea...and I am fairly thick skinned...Emotional yes...but I was shocked at the Physical Emotionality of it all...Just being shown a bit of Comapssion brought out in Me.

Depression can be deadly...it is Oddly comfortable...Unlike Anxiety...and that makes it even harder to Pull away from...but...it CAN be Done...get your bag of tricks together...your "I Feel good Bag"..Inside that Bag, keep all the things that make ya Feel Good...that Flood your Blood with the Feel Good Hormones...

Dancing is my top trick...works 80 percent of the Time...putting on my good Old Rock & roll...yea...Floods me with the good stuff...

it is Also important to deal with any issues that may be making you Depressed...not always an easy thing, cause it is not always easily identifiable...but search it out...deal with it...and but it in a Box...way in the back of ur brain somewhere...Unhappy at work, relationships, location where ya live...missing people...cloudy weather can set many of us off...yea...the list can get quite Long...learb to Counter act those bad negative thought with good happy things...this does work...is a neat trick !!

You are a sensitive Soul !! nothing wrong with that !! use it to your Advantage !! alot of people can use people just like you in their Lives !! with all the rush to the finish line it is refreshing to see Compassion really does still exist !! YeaY !! but learning to back up a bit...not to overstep ur place is also Needed !! keeps People from Feeling Smothered...and you from easily getting your feelings hurt !! No Need to Stop...just back up a few steps...

Hugs !!

Has me thinking:

1. Who AM I? I guess compassionate and caring is up on the list, but I think the only reason those come to mind is because of what I'm going through emotionally at the moment.
2. What's in my "Feel Good Bag"?
   1. Singing, obviously
   2. Reading. Scripture, Christian novels, (and more i'm sure I'll add to this list later)
   3. Swimming
   4. Free Writing
   5. Designing
   6. Needlepoint or Jewelry Making
      
3. What things depress me? What needs to be shoved in that box and given to God?

I'm going to have to build on this list.