You Suck at Pessimism

Perusing some of my favorite web comics yielded this, today.  I guess I was a little surprised as XKCD is usually a techie, geeky, nerdy comic site.  But, as I've been spending days deciding what to write about, this was as good as anything for inspiration.

Like our protagonist here, I've found myself feeling scared about my illness.  I've run the gamut of emotions regarding my fibromyalgia.  When I was first diagnosed, there was an indescribable feeling of relief:  after years of trying to find out what was wrong and doctors just saying "lose weight", I had an answer.  I can remember before I was diagnosed, if I would have to leave someplace early because of my pain, I'd feel the need to explain it as "my knee is acting up" because that was the only answer I had ever had for my pain.  But truthfully, it wasn't usually my knee.  I'd go home in pain because of my neck or my back or something else.  But how could I say "I'm hurting too much from something and I have no idea why"?

So, having the answer lifted a huge weight off my shoulder.  Since then, I've experienced the highs and lows one would expect with a chronic illness.  The depression that's been around for about as long as my pain likes to rear its ugly head.  It's tough to fight off the feelings that I'm living with this for what will likely be several decades.  It's hard to shake the knowledge that as time goes by, my body will feel worse.  Worst is knowing that I disappoint people with what I can't do, no matter how much those people may understand.

The argument in the comic that it's all about having a good attitude is one that is easier said than done.  When you're looking at someone dealing with chronic pain, it's easy to say "Just have a positive outlook".  But when you're the one dealing with it, it's another thing altogether.  How do you have a positive outlook when you feel 40 years older than you are?  Where is the positive in losing your independence?

At some point, you come to the realization that the negative feelings never go away.  Until a cure is found, you will feel all the stages of grief again and again.  But, in my experience, usually at the end of all this you come to an even deeper realization of yourself.

You come out stronger, more sure of yourself.  You realize that you deal with this crappy disease and you're still alive.  You deal with the pain every day and yet still try to do as much of what you used to do as possible.  And in lots of ways, you end up better for your suffering.  You learn what and who is not worth your energy.  You return to the little things to keep busy.

And, although you have all the reason in the world to be great at it, you really suck at pessimism.

The Little Things: New Mattress

They always say to enjoy the little things in life.  Who's "They"?  Heck if I know, but "they" are right.  There's no guarantee you get the big things.  But the little things are always there.

So, is the feeling of the first night on a brand new mattress a little thing or a big thing?  Well, maybe the owning of a brand spanking new mattress is a big thing, but there is nothing so enjoyable as a good night's sleep.

Last night was my first night on my brand new mattress.  A couple weeks ago, Grandma and I went to Mattressland.  It was a trip we'd planned to have for months, but I had never felt up to doing the shopping involved.  But, we finally managed it and a week and a half later, it was in my bedroom.

After Thanksgiving dinner and all the broohaha last night, exhausted from being sick, I took my nightly meds and passed blissfully into the deepest sleep I've had in over a year.  I slept solidly from 12:30 to about 8:30 this morning.

Sleeping on my new bed is like sleeping on a cloud!  None of the pain I had on my old bed was there.  No pain from the springs or wires.  My bed cradled me softly and carried me quietly to dreamland.  Well, ok, I don't know if there were dreams, but you get what I mean.  I can only hope I get sleep like this for years to come!

Thanksgiving Resolution

Ok, so most people would wait another 5 weeks for the New Year to make their resolution, but I don't want to wait that long.  Waiting is something I've had to become accustomed to with Fibro.  I have to wait for good days to go shopping or wait until my pain med kicks in to go upstairs.  As much as I have to put off, I've started (yes, started....not there yet!) to learn the value of doing what I can now.


So, my resolution, is to write in my blog at least twice a week.  I'm trying out a new bit of software that I'm hoping will help me remember to do this.  If you're interested, it's called Smart Diary.  They have many versions to suit your needs, including a free version and a fully loaded medical version.  I'm currently trying out the free version, but if I find I need more from it, I may buy an upgrade. I haven't decided yet.  But I love that I can track things I want to, like my pain and fatigue, mood, and more.  There are defaults provided, but they can be edited.

I've had a lot of time to think in the last couple weeks.  I'm currently pursuing disability because of my fibro.  It wasn't an easy decision to make.  After family and friends had suggested it for quite some time, I finally had to agree.  I would love to just work a normal schedule.  I don't want to need help.  But there's nothing I can do about it.

So, what can I do?  I can choose to not let this stop me.  I can choose to keep doing what I can and put out of mind what I can't.  I can choose to trust that God has this covered.  I trust God would not have allowed me to have this disease unless he also made a way for me to get through it.

I think this is something I'm going to have to remind myself of daily.  Fibro won't get easier to live with, but it doesn't mean I can't live.  This blog is just one part of that.

The Late Great Update

After about 3 weeks, I figured it's time to update.  I really try to update at least twice a week, but it's been kinda crazy lately.  August is always a nutso month due to the millions of birthdays in our family, including mine.  I had such a great birthday this year, I really wanted to share it, but sleep deprivation does horrible things to you.


A few weeks ago, I had an 18 hour sleep night....well, actually it was day, I believe.  Anyway, that day totally screwed up my sleep schedule, as if I needed any help sleeping poorly.  After that I had major issues.  I couldn't fall asleep until 4 or 5am and I couldn't wake up until the afternoon.  Despite what seemed like a sufficient amount of sleep, I woke up more tired than ever.  Either I was asleep for felt like I still needed to.

I'm kinda used to this more or less, but it kills me every time when it affects my work life, social life.  My CBT Therapist said dealing with the sleep issues would be the first step to dealing with my Fibro.  I was scheduled to see my Rheumatologist the following week, so I brought it up.  The doctor put me on Trazadone and told me if after 1 week, I still wasn't sleeping well, to increase the dose to 2 tabs a night.

Trazadone just made me feel worse.  I would take it and still not fall asleep for hours.  When I finally did fall asleep, I'd sleep all day and wake up more sluggish than ever.  To top it off, I would get dizzy spells several times a day.  It got to the point I couldn't drive farther than my parent's house for fear the dizzy spells would strike.  Fortunately, my little brother was a huge help and could drive me where I needed to go.

After 2 weeks, I called my rheumatologist back and insisted that I needed to try another medication.  I remembered taking Ambien a few years ago that worked well back then, so he prescribed that this time.  I'm glad now the dizzy spells have subsided, though I am writing this at 4am, it's just a weird situation.  I actually went to bed at 10:30 with a headache so bad I was feeling nauseous.  But then I woke up at 1:30 so who knows what's going on....

But, despite all these sleep problems, I was still able to have a wonderful birthday.  I turned 25 this year, and as is tradition in our family, Mom and Dad took me out to dinner at a place of my choice.  Just me and them.  I'd always picked Red Lobster or Tahoe Joe's in the past, but this year I was in the mood for something different.

I decided on dinner at the Crystal Palace.  I was somewhat surprised I hadn't thought of it sooner.  It's been around for 14 years and I haven't been once!  So Mom made the reservations and that night we were treated to a stellar dinner, live music, and I even had a couple dances with Dad.  That's a sight to see, really.  Neither of us have rhythm so we were a bit goofy out there, but it was fun, so didn't really care.

It really was the best birthday I can remember.  I won't say I didn't pay for it, because I sure as heck did.  The next day, Dad had to drive me to the house for my birthday party (Cake and Presents! YAY!) and my body was killing me all day, but the way I see it, there are some things worth the pain.  I think in some ways that's what life is about.  Finding out what is worth the pain and doing it.  The way I figure it, I don't have to attend every event.  I just have to pick and choose the ones that will be the most rewarding.