Sore all over

I don't know what I did, but I feel like I just finished working out. My abs, my back, arms, legs, everything hurts. I can't explain it. I'm just achey........

In other news, Thanksgiving was pretty fun. Justin actually showed up, which was good. I was afraid he'd decide not to spend it with the family because he and Mom are at odds. We ended up celebrating Josiah's birthday on Friday night. I have a few good pictures I will try to upload later. He blew out his own candle. it was so cute.

Despite having fun with the family this weekend, I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays. This is the worst time of the year to be alone. In some ways I blame myself. I don't get out much. Granted, the Fibro is the main cause of it, but I can't help but blame myself for not getting out more. If I got out and did more, maybe i wouldn't be so alone. I become more convinced the person I meet will be online, but there are so many unsavory characters online........I talked with a guy the other night and he's so obviously not good for me. He doesn't get it. It's so hard to explain my standards, my beliefs without seeming like an elitist. As much as I tried explaining it to him, he doesn't understand. I won't get involved in a relationship that cannot work. If our beliefs are so vastly different, how can it ever work? It wouldn't be so bad if he just accepted that and moved on, but he keeps talking as if he can win me over.

I talked with a friend of mine last night about this. How I'd been down that road before. How I'd been tempted to lose my virginity to that boy. He asked me if I was still a virgin and I told him I was. He told me that was admirable, which kinda shocked me. But it made me realize something else. I want a man who thinks that's admirable, not who's going to try to convince me to waver there. This guy keeps talking about how he could show me a good time and his girlfriends in the past only seemed to like him for how he was in bed. I'm not interested in that.

I have a feeling this will end in conflict. If only I fould find someone who would be exactly what I need him to be. Maybe I'm asking too much.

A brief update

I really need to get better about using this thing. lol. What's the point of having a blog if I don't use it?

Things have been pretty busy at work. I managed to get into work most of last week, despite feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. This weather is really messing with me. Between sinus problems and FMS, I've been miserable. But I finally got over my sinus infection, so it's just a matter of maintaining now. That reminds me. I need to call my Dr and see if my insurance approved my Allegra prescription. They hate approving meds for me. **sigh** If I weren't on a group plan, I'd be afraid they'd drop me. lol.

The chiropractor is going well so far. I pay them $150/month and I get as many adjustments as I need. Right now, I'm going 3x a week. It's really kinda nice. I get everything put in place and it really feels good. This week I think I need it more than ever........the FMS is really acting up. It had started to subside for a bit, but it's back in full force this week. I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I am just achey and in pain all over. I'm starting to wonder if I've got RLS too, because I have the most miserable time with my legs when I'm reclining or in bed......This is the first I've noticed it, so I'm going to keep an eye on it, and bring it up the next time I see my dr if it continues.

geez......I really am a mess. Several paragraphs of health problems and I could still go on.....but I won't. hehe. Josiah's birthday was Sunday, but we're planning on celebrating it on Thursday when the whole family can be there. I can't believe he's 3!!! He's talking so much now. He knows his pokemon. lol. I swear, it seems my little brothers learn made up words before real ones, but he really does talk in sentences now. "I put castle up here!" he said the other night. lol. It was soooo cute. He even asks questions: "you go through gate?" At least, I think that's what he said. lol. I need to see if I've got video of him. I'll have to post it. He's just so darling. lol. He knows his signs. He signs "More drink" and "bath" and he's getting close to doing "I love you". But he actually did SAY "I love you" the other day. Grandma brought him to the condo on my day off work a couple weeks ago. "I go up stairs" he says, and he did. "I go down stairs" and one by one he made it down stairs. He came to me distraught when Grandma was in the bathroom and he goes "Where grama??" He was so scared. lol. He thought he lost her.

Mom's going to go simple this year for thanksgiving. Order some of the stuff from Vons or wherever and just make a few of the favorites. Probably wise. Maybe I'll make and bring the mashed potatoes. I always liked the home made ones better than store bought. We still don't know if Justin will be there. He's kinda been at odds with the family since "The Confrontation" we had with him a while ago. He and Brittany broke up and I think he's bitter about that. I know he has to have his time where he's rebelling, but it sucks around the holidays because I don't know if he'll be there or not. My guess is he won't. And that will kinda put a damper on things.

Great! A new development.....apparently, I can't put my weight on my left foot. This will make for a wonderful day........I just can't catch a break. I feel like if it isn't one thing it's another. Well, I've got to get back to work. Hopefully, I can make it through the day.

Can't afford it.........

Of all the things that gets me worked up, money is the worst. Ever since about June, I've had the hardest time working enough to make ends meet. I've managed to make it up to almost 30 hours a week, but it's still difficult. On top of paying for the basic necessities, I've got my Lyrica, Ambien, Vicodin just to deal with the FMS, and If I get sick, that's more meds, in addition to the over the counter junk I have to buy.......It just piles up. This last week I went to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions, only to find that 2 of them couldn't be found in generic and cost $80 each. Needless to say, I left without those. I dread when I have to fill my Lyrica again, because that's another $100 just for the deductable. After that, I'll pay $30 per refill, but still.......

So, the last time I went to the doctor, I talked to him about seeing a chiro. He told me he thought it might help and was all for it. He gave me the name of his chiro and I scheduled an appointment for today. What I neglected to find out was that apparently, because I'm on an HMO, they don't cover chiro, at least not on my plan. The ladies were going to double check for me, and I thought, "well, how much could it be?" they said it would eb a cash plan at a reduced rate. After an hour of tests and standing and moving and more testing, xrays, and computer scans, they said I would go back tomorrow for the results and my chiro plan. Ok, fine. I can live with that. I'll get my adjustment tomorrow, and everythin will be hunky dory.

I get to the counter to pay.........$220!!!!! I broke down. I don't have $220 in my account right now, how the heck am I suposed to pay that??? One of the ladies took me back to her office. we talked about it. She's going to check with my ins and see if they will cover any of it. We might have to get my dr to write a referal for it. I know he would. He'll do most anything if it means less pain for me. but, even then, I don't know if this is going to be manageable for me. I have spent soooooo much money on my health. $200 colonoscopy, meds, dr's visits. I just can't afford this.

I thought health insurance was supposed to make it possible for you to actually be healthy. I hate to be so negative......Things have been getting better, slowly, but everytime I have a set back like this, I feel more like living with FMS is a death sentence. If it doesn't kill me, the going broke will. my only saving grace is that I live with my Grandma and she will forgive me if I miss rent for a couple months.

I'm sorry. It's just one of those days, but I just can't comprehend why it's so (insert adjective of choice here) expensive just to be well. It's hardest on those of us who need it most.......

I Love my Guild

**Warning: You may need a gamer dictionary to fully understand this post**

I absolutely LOVE my guild. When I first started it, I wondered at the success of it. It was essentially founded out of my need to surround myself with people in my time of hurt. I couldn't bear pressing the "U" key to bring up the guild window (old habits) only to find I wasn't in a guild anymore. The list of guilds on the page called to me, begging me to join, but how, after leading a guild, could I possibly go back to just being another name in a list? I still had that desire to lead a guild, to get my hands messy with the day to day running of the guild, to feel that blessing when people praised my guild. I had enough support to create a new guild. My friends encouraged me and eventually, I did. From the Ashes I felt was an appropriate name, as many of the founding members, like me, had had many bad experiences with guilds. Out of the ashes of those "fallings out", this guild, I hoped, would soar.

Since then, we've seen our trials and tribulations, but mostly we've just had many many good times. There have been days and weeks when I was convinced that our guild was failing. I've learned that those dull times, when no one is online, no one does anything, and I can't even talk to my officers and co-leaders, are going to happen, and usually don't last long. This last week was like that. I was used to having 15-20 members online a night (a good number for a guild of 100) but we tended to max out at 8 or 9 that week. No one talked, no one grouped up. It was boring, to say the least. I did my best to stay optimistic. That dry spell would soon end, and we'd be flooded with activity again.

Sure enough, this week has majorly picked up again. I had an especially good amount of fun last night. I was slightly concerned, since I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to take on stress that would make me feel worse, but instead, I was blessed. One of our members, Ieia, is fairly new, but he's fitting in quite well. He raids in a guild called Insurrection, which is one of the larger, richer, more notable guilds in the game. Well, last night was a night filled with banter and fun. We had some interesting discussion. Envy, who is notable for being a flirt, and I had our back and forth all night. I play hard to get like no one's business. It's all in good fun. We just enjoyed ourselves. While some of us might have been mindlessly crafting, or finishing quests they should have finished ages ago, or whatever, we just talked. For us, the game is more than just killing every orc you see. For us, the game is our outlet. In my case, it's how I can "get out" with friends.

In RL (real life), I have to pace myself. I can't sit in a barstool, or even a regular chair for long. I can't walk for long. I need breaks and pit stops. I'm slow. The more impatient of my RL friends will just "let me catch up" while they go do whatever. Sometimes, it involves me leaving the fun early, missing out on so much. It's very painful. I'm the odd one out.

In game, I have no such inhibitions. I am free. I can run, sometimes faster than my buddies. I can keep up. Letting people "catch up" is not limited to those who are slow and the catching up is usually done as a group. We all help people "catch up" to where we are in a quest. I'm not the only one "catching up". If I need to take a break, I can put my buddy on auto-follow and take my break. People aren't waiting on me to have their fun.

Well, back to the story, Ieia was saying, after a particularly crazy bit of banter, that one thing that he hates about his raiding guild is that they don't have this fun, playful, casual chat. Everyone's so serious, and most of them in there hate each other. And I had to think back, even to day 1. One of the things I've considered one of my greatest blessings is that most of the people who've been in our guild for any length of time have been good people. Care-free, fun, understanding, caring, kind people. I can't help but admire them.

From the Ashes has been in existance for 6 months, as of Monday. We've been very successful as a guild. We have 100 members, many of which are very involved in the guild and are major members. We're a lvl 53 guild now, and we're moving along nicely. We have a Guild Hall, and plenty of money and status has been donated to it for upkeep and amenities. But easily, the thing I consider to be our biggest success, is the quality of the friendships and bonds we have. Many of these people I would love to meet in RL some day. Some, I already have. We know each other on a personal level, beyond just the game, beyond what class you play.

Call me an addict. Tell me I need to get out more. Say I'm wasting my life on a video game. At the end of the day, I know where my priorities lie. I may have an addiction, but not to the game. My addiction is to the people and the fun times I have with them. Our hang-out is Freeport, not the Mall. We may not sit in the seats next to each other, but we're watching the same movie. We might not be shopping for clothes together, but you can bet my friends will comment on my armor and will be the first to help me get new stuff when I need it.

How I Felt......

My friend sent this to me after my colonoscopy. It's pretty much how I felt. =D

This is God - Phil Vassar

Taking a short break from work, I found this video. I LOVE this song. Absolutely beautiful, but the movie is even more moving. I loved the ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83PEiGbXnYI