If you do, please catch it and give it to me in a box. If you tell me where it is, I'll either forget or wonder why the funny-looking jello tastes strange.
So, the last 2 days have been, well......educational. I've learned that when sleep-deprived, you won't realize Excedrin relieves a migrane. I've also learned that when sleep-deprived, the very thought of leaving the house will give you one. Oh, and don't ever think you can actually do programming between sleep attempts. What on earth was I thinking???
Short answer....What's thinking? The last week has been an interesting one. I've come to the brink of insanity and come back. I've decided psychological warfare is possibly the most sadistic thing anyone ever thought of. Oh! And I will never ever ever ever ever use blogging or writing software without a spell-checker (between Blogger and Firefox, I'm covered!)
You learn a whole new definition of your limits when you suffer from insomnia. When you suffer from dizzy spells and migraines at the same time limits stop existing. Frankly, I'm surprised I have the cognitive capability to write this (mind you, still using spell check on words like "using". Why it suggested "Husein" is still a mystery.) What was I talking about again?
Oh yeah! Insomnia. It sucks. Don't ever get it. As it stands I've tried 2 over-the-counter medications (different ingredients, of course) 3 prescriptions (one of which was prescribed yesterday) and I still have nothing to put me to sleep. So I'm waiting on a call from the after-hours advice nurse. I'm really hoping she tells me to go to urgent care and get drugged up......
See, thinking back now, the shot of Toridol I got at the doctor's office was probably what gave me my best bit of sleep in weeks. I think they'll object to me going in for a shot in the rear nightly so I can sleep, but at this point I won't object.
All I want for Christmas is sleep. I wonder if Santa administers drugs???
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Fatigue: Suckage of the Soul
Yeah, that's as close to a decent title as I can get in this state. Suckage is hereby an actual word.
I have been so exhausted the last couple days. I expected immense fatigue after picking Grandma up at the airport. Day trips are usually quite painful and exhausting, despite the enjoyment of it. Oddly enough, though, the next couple days were uneventful. I can't say I was exhausted as much as maybe lethargic. Just didn't feel up to doing anything, really.
Now the weekend was a total switch. I've been up probably a total of 10 hours this weekend. Now I'm fixing to go back to bed. My sleep schedule is whacked, but I have this need to sleep this off. How many more 18+ hour sleep nights I'll need before I feel better, who knows? This is why I can't work for anyone but Dad right now.
It sucks to be undependable. But for now this is what I have to deal with. Right now, I just need to take care of myself. So, yeah, if you can't get ahold of me, I'm probably asleep. Fear not. I'll see the missed message when I wake up. Whether you're awake when I see it, I can't know.
For now, I'm just REALLY glad I got a new mattress. I'm spending more time with it than anything right now.
Off to spend more time with it. Laters!
I have been so exhausted the last couple days. I expected immense fatigue after picking Grandma up at the airport. Day trips are usually quite painful and exhausting, despite the enjoyment of it. Oddly enough, though, the next couple days were uneventful. I can't say I was exhausted as much as maybe lethargic. Just didn't feel up to doing anything, really.
Now the weekend was a total switch. I've been up probably a total of 10 hours this weekend. Now I'm fixing to go back to bed. My sleep schedule is whacked, but I have this need to sleep this off. How many more 18+ hour sleep nights I'll need before I feel better, who knows? This is why I can't work for anyone but Dad right now.
It sucks to be undependable. But for now this is what I have to deal with. Right now, I just need to take care of myself. So, yeah, if you can't get ahold of me, I'm probably asleep. Fear not. I'll see the missed message when I wake up. Whether you're awake when I see it, I can't know.
For now, I'm just REALLY glad I got a new mattress. I'm spending more time with it than anything right now.
Off to spend more time with it. Laters!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Messages in a Bottle
This post is going to be a bit more personal than most. But I'm hoping someone can benefit from my experience.
I have struggled with depression since I was 13. A series of knee surgeries and the loss of a friend left me alone and unable to keep up with people my age. As time went on, new friends came and went, but lingering, unsolved pain and depression remained. I always felt like I stood out from my peers. I felt so different and felt people judged me for having pains they couldn't see. But I always thought after high school, things would be better. The truth is, however, that there's not much from that time that I can remember as positive. Up until the time I was 20, most of my life had been one crapstorm after another.
I tried to find enjoyment, and picked up a card game I really enjoyed. My brothers also liked it, so at one point, I would take them with me every Friday to a local book store for a tournament. And then, one day, I ran into Brian, an old friend of mine from high school. He worked security there, and was on his rounds with his partner and friend, Chris.
I had no idea how that would change my life. Brian told me how he attended a bible study with Chris every week and invited me to come. Now that blew my mind. The Brian I knew had struggled to find his way, and to hear him now inviting me to a bible study, well, I had to see what it was that would have him inviting people to it.
I'd always been a Christian, and I'd attended bible studies in the past. I never stayed with one as long as this though. I met the most wonderful people there. These people grew to become my best friends. We laughed, cried, and prayed together.
As I grew more comfortable with my new friends, I started leading worship. I had always loved to sing, and they allowed me to use that for God's glory. I found peace every week in this.
The year I turned 21 had been especially hard. I sunk deeper into the depression I thought I had gotten over. That was the year my bible study planned to go Christmas caroling. When I declined to go, my friends knew there was a problem and confronted me.
Now, Chris and his wife, Sarah, have this way of really getting to what is bothering you. Pretty soon, I was spilling my guts. Chris brought us out IBC Cream Sodas. He told me to stop and just enjoy the cream soda. I was to let go of all the crap that had happened and just enjoy it for the moment. When I was finished, I felt a little better, but not enough to counter 8 years of heartache and hurt. After a while, Chris told me to list 5 good things that had happened that week. I can't tell you how hard that was. I felt surrounded by so much bad stuff, finding something I couldn't complain about was hard.
As hard as it was, I eventually managed it. Chris took the bottles and washed them out and came back with mine in hand. As he dried it out, he gave me an assignment (he'd make a great teacher. He loves giving out homework). Every day, I was to think of just one good thing that had happened. Just one thing I could be thankful for. Once I found my one thing, I would write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the bottle. When I had filled the bottle, we would share another bottle of cream soda.
Pretty soon, I found myself finding joy in the little things. Even on the bad days, I could hear Chris's voice saying, "So what's one good thing?" Every day, as I got off work, looking back over my day, I'd find my thoughts of "Oh my gosh, it's been such a crappy day!" change to "Yeah, but at least..." The bottle of post-its in the cupholder in my car was a constant reminder.
When I finally filled it, we shared cream sodas again and looked over the last year. On looking back, we realized that I had had only 2 breakdowns in that year, compared to dozens prior to that. I cried tears of joy as I realized how far I had come. I realized I had shed more tears of joy this year than I had shed tears of sorrow or hurt.
Chris and Sarah told me that people noticed a difference in me and had told them so. The end of that night, I left with my full bottle in hand as a reminder and a new one to fill up with more good things.
I still battle with my depression at times, but this exercise taught me to look at life differently. There are times I try to talk myself out of doing something I want to do, but I look at the good, the fun I'll have. If nothing else, this is another tool in my battle with my depression.
This Christmas is hopeful again. I see the good things again. My outlook has changed. My relationship with God and with others has improved. I am changing the parts of my life that need to change. I'm taking more pride in myself and more joy in my life. Life isn't just the waiting period for heaven, anymore. It's not something I'm forced to endure until I see my Maker. It's something to enjoy again.
My battle may never end. This may be a fight I'm in for my whole life, but I look at it this way. God works everything for the good of those that love Him, right? Even the bad things that happened in my life had their purposes. And perhaps someone can benefit from my story.
I hope by sharing this with you, it has blessed you in some way. God Bless and Merry Christmas!
I have struggled with depression since I was 13. A series of knee surgeries and the loss of a friend left me alone and unable to keep up with people my age. As time went on, new friends came and went, but lingering, unsolved pain and depression remained. I always felt like I stood out from my peers. I felt so different and felt people judged me for having pains they couldn't see. But I always thought after high school, things would be better. The truth is, however, that there's not much from that time that I can remember as positive. Up until the time I was 20, most of my life had been one crapstorm after another.
I tried to find enjoyment, and picked up a card game I really enjoyed. My brothers also liked it, so at one point, I would take them with me every Friday to a local book store for a tournament. And then, one day, I ran into Brian, an old friend of mine from high school. He worked security there, and was on his rounds with his partner and friend, Chris.
I had no idea how that would change my life. Brian told me how he attended a bible study with Chris every week and invited me to come. Now that blew my mind. The Brian I knew had struggled to find his way, and to hear him now inviting me to a bible study, well, I had to see what it was that would have him inviting people to it.
I'd always been a Christian, and I'd attended bible studies in the past. I never stayed with one as long as this though. I met the most wonderful people there. These people grew to become my best friends. We laughed, cried, and prayed together.
As I grew more comfortable with my new friends, I started leading worship. I had always loved to sing, and they allowed me to use that for God's glory. I found peace every week in this.
The year I turned 21 had been especially hard. I sunk deeper into the depression I thought I had gotten over. That was the year my bible study planned to go Christmas caroling. When I declined to go, my friends knew there was a problem and confronted me.
Now, Chris and his wife, Sarah, have this way of really getting to what is bothering you. Pretty soon, I was spilling my guts. Chris brought us out IBC Cream Sodas. He told me to stop and just enjoy the cream soda. I was to let go of all the crap that had happened and just enjoy it for the moment. When I was finished, I felt a little better, but not enough to counter 8 years of heartache and hurt. After a while, Chris told me to list 5 good things that had happened that week. I can't tell you how hard that was. I felt surrounded by so much bad stuff, finding something I couldn't complain about was hard.
As hard as it was, I eventually managed it. Chris took the bottles and washed them out and came back with mine in hand. As he dried it out, he gave me an assignment (he'd make a great teacher. He loves giving out homework). Every day, I was to think of just one good thing that had happened. Just one thing I could be thankful for. Once I found my one thing, I would write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the bottle. When I had filled the bottle, we would share another bottle of cream soda.
Pretty soon, I found myself finding joy in the little things. Even on the bad days, I could hear Chris's voice saying, "So what's one good thing?" Every day, as I got off work, looking back over my day, I'd find my thoughts of "Oh my gosh, it's been such a crappy day!" change to "Yeah, but at least..." The bottle of post-its in the cupholder in my car was a constant reminder.
When I finally filled it, we shared cream sodas again and looked over the last year. On looking back, we realized that I had had only 2 breakdowns in that year, compared to dozens prior to that. I cried tears of joy as I realized how far I had come. I realized I had shed more tears of joy this year than I had shed tears of sorrow or hurt.
Chris and Sarah told me that people noticed a difference in me and had told them so. The end of that night, I left with my full bottle in hand as a reminder and a new one to fill up with more good things.
I still battle with my depression at times, but this exercise taught me to look at life differently. There are times I try to talk myself out of doing something I want to do, but I look at the good, the fun I'll have. If nothing else, this is another tool in my battle with my depression.
This Christmas is hopeful again. I see the good things again. My outlook has changed. My relationship with God and with others has improved. I am changing the parts of my life that need to change. I'm taking more pride in myself and more joy in my life. Life isn't just the waiting period for heaven, anymore. It's not something I'm forced to endure until I see my Maker. It's something to enjoy again.
My battle may never end. This may be a fight I'm in for my whole life, but I look at it this way. God works everything for the good of those that love Him, right? Even the bad things that happened in my life had their purposes. And perhaps someone can benefit from my story.
I hope by sharing this with you, it has blessed you in some way. God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
You Suck at Pessimism
Perusing some of my favorite web comics yielded this, today. I guess I was a little surprised as XKCD is usually a techie, geeky, nerdy comic site. But, as I've been spending days deciding what to write about, this was as good as anything for inspiration.
Like our protagonist here, I've found myself feeling scared about my illness. I've run the gamut of emotions regarding my fibromyalgia. When I was first diagnosed, there was an indescribable feeling of relief: after years of trying to find out what was wrong and doctors just saying "lose weight", I had an answer. I can remember before I was diagnosed, if I would have to leave someplace early because of my pain, I'd feel the need to explain it as "my knee is acting up" because that was the only answer I had ever had for my pain. But truthfully, it wasn't usually my knee. I'd go home in pain because of my neck or my back or something else. But how could I say "I'm hurting too much from something and I have no idea why"?
So, having the answer lifted a huge weight off my shoulder. Since then, I've experienced the highs and lows one would expect with a chronic illness. The depression that's been around for about as long as my pain likes to rear its ugly head. It's tough to fight off the feelings that I'm living with this for what will likely be several decades. It's hard to shake the knowledge that as time goes by, my body will feel worse. Worst is knowing that I disappoint people with what I can't do, no matter how much those people may understand.
The argument in the comic that it's all about having a good attitude is one that is easier said than done. When you're looking at someone dealing with chronic pain, it's easy to say "Just have a positive outlook". But when you're the one dealing with it, it's another thing altogether. How do you have a positive outlook when you feel 40 years older than you are? Where is the positive in losing your independence?
At some point, you come to the realization that the negative feelings never go away. Until a cure is found, you will feel all the stages of grief again and again. But, in my experience, usually at the end of all this you come to an even deeper realization of yourself.
You come out stronger, more sure of yourself. You realize that you deal with this crappy disease and you're still alive. You deal with the pain every day and yet still try to do as much of what you used to do as possible. And in lots of ways, you end up better for your suffering. You learn what and who is not worth your energy. You return to the little things to keep busy.
And, although you have all the reason in the world to be great at it, you really suck at pessimism.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Little Things: New Mattress
They always say to enjoy the little things in life. Who's "They"? Heck if I know, but "they" are right. There's no guarantee you get the big things. But the little things are always there.
So, is the feeling of the first night on a brand new mattress a little thing or a big thing? Well, maybe the owning of a brand spanking new mattress is a big thing, but there is nothing so enjoyable as a good night's sleep.
Last night was my first night on my brand new mattress. A couple weeks ago, Grandma and I went to Mattressland. It was a trip we'd planned to have for months, but I had never felt up to doing the shopping involved. But, we finally managed it and a week and a half later, it was in my bedroom.
After Thanksgiving dinner and all the broohaha last night, exhausted from being sick, I took my nightly meds and passed blissfully into the deepest sleep I've had in over a year. I slept solidly from 12:30 to about 8:30 this morning.
Sleeping on my new bed is like sleeping on a cloud! None of the pain I had on my old bed was there. No pain from the springs or wires. My bed cradled me softly and carried me quietly to dreamland. Well, ok, I don't know if there were dreams, but you get what I mean. I can only hope I get sleep like this for years to come!
So, is the feeling of the first night on a brand new mattress a little thing or a big thing? Well, maybe the owning of a brand spanking new mattress is a big thing, but there is nothing so enjoyable as a good night's sleep.
Last night was my first night on my brand new mattress. A couple weeks ago, Grandma and I went to Mattressland. It was a trip we'd planned to have for months, but I had never felt up to doing the shopping involved. But, we finally managed it and a week and a half later, it was in my bedroom.
After Thanksgiving dinner and all the broohaha last night, exhausted from being sick, I took my nightly meds and passed blissfully into the deepest sleep I've had in over a year. I slept solidly from 12:30 to about 8:30 this morning.
Sleeping on my new bed is like sleeping on a cloud! None of the pain I had on my old bed was there. No pain from the springs or wires. My bed cradled me softly and carried me quietly to dreamland. Well, ok, I don't know if there were dreams, but you get what I mean. I can only hope I get sleep like this for years to come!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving Resolution
Ok, so most people would wait another 5 weeks for the New Year to make their resolution, but I don't want to wait that long. Waiting is something I've had to become accustomed to with Fibro. I have to wait for good days to go shopping or wait until my pain med kicks in to go upstairs. As much as I have to put off, I've started (yes, started....not there yet!) to learn the value of doing what I can now.
So, my resolution, is to write in my blog at least twice a week. I'm trying out a new bit of software that I'm hoping will help me remember to do this. If you're interested, it's called Smart Diary. They have many versions to suit your needs, including a free version and a fully loaded medical version. I'm currently trying out the free version, but if I find I need more from it, I may buy an upgrade. I haven't decided yet. But I love that I can track things I want to, like my pain and fatigue, mood, and more. There are defaults provided, but they can be edited.
I've had a lot of time to think in the last couple weeks. I'm currently pursuing disability because of my fibro. It wasn't an easy decision to make. After family and friends had suggested it for quite some time, I finally had to agree. I would love to just work a normal schedule. I don't want to need help. But there's nothing I can do about it.
So, what can I do? I can choose to not let this stop me. I can choose to keep doing what I can and put out of mind what I can't. I can choose to trust that God has this covered. I trust God would not have allowed me to have this disease unless he also made a way for me to get through it.
I think this is something I'm going to have to remind myself of daily. Fibro won't get easier to live with, but it doesn't mean I can't live. This blog is just one part of that.
So, my resolution, is to write in my blog at least twice a week. I'm trying out a new bit of software that I'm hoping will help me remember to do this. If you're interested, it's called Smart Diary. They have many versions to suit your needs, including a free version and a fully loaded medical version. I'm currently trying out the free version, but if I find I need more from it, I may buy an upgrade. I haven't decided yet. But I love that I can track things I want to, like my pain and fatigue, mood, and more. There are defaults provided, but they can be edited.
I've had a lot of time to think in the last couple weeks. I'm currently pursuing disability because of my fibro. It wasn't an easy decision to make. After family and friends had suggested it for quite some time, I finally had to agree. I would love to just work a normal schedule. I don't want to need help. But there's nothing I can do about it.
So, what can I do? I can choose to not let this stop me. I can choose to keep doing what I can and put out of mind what I can't. I can choose to trust that God has this covered. I trust God would not have allowed me to have this disease unless he also made a way for me to get through it.
I think this is something I'm going to have to remind myself of daily. Fibro won't get easier to live with, but it doesn't mean I can't live. This blog is just one part of that.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Late Great Update
After about 3 weeks, I figured it's time to update. I really try to update at least twice a week, but it's been kinda crazy lately. August is always a nutso month due to the millions of birthdays in our family, including mine. I had such a great birthday this year, I really wanted to share it, but sleep deprivation does horrible things to you.
A few weeks ago, I had an 18 hour sleep night....well, actually it was day, I believe. Anyway, that day totally screwed up my sleep schedule, as if I needed any help sleeping poorly. After that I had major issues. I couldn't fall asleep until 4 or 5am and I couldn't wake up until the afternoon. Despite what seemed like a sufficient amount of sleep, I woke up more tired than ever. Either I was asleep for felt like I still needed to.
I'm kinda used to this more or less, but it kills me every time when it affects my work life, social life. My CBT Therapist said dealing with the sleep issues would be the first step to dealing with my Fibro. I was scheduled to see my Rheumatologist the following week, so I brought it up. The doctor put me on Trazadone and told me if after 1 week, I still wasn't sleeping well, to increase the dose to 2 tabs a night.
Trazadone just made me feel worse. I would take it and still not fall asleep for hours. When I finally did fall asleep, I'd sleep all day and wake up more sluggish than ever. To top it off, I would get dizzy spells several times a day. It got to the point I couldn't drive farther than my parent's house for fear the dizzy spells would strike. Fortunately, my little brother was a huge help and could drive me where I needed to go.
After 2 weeks, I called my rheumatologist back and insisted that I needed to try another medication. I remembered taking Ambien a few years ago that worked well back then, so he prescribed that this time. I'm glad now the dizzy spells have subsided, though I am writing this at 4am, it's just a weird situation. I actually went to bed at 10:30 with a headache so bad I was feeling nauseous. But then I woke up at 1:30 so who knows what's going on....
But, despite all these sleep problems, I was still able to have a wonderful birthday. I turned 25 this year, and as is tradition in our family, Mom and Dad took me out to dinner at a place of my choice. Just me and them. I'd always picked Red Lobster or Tahoe Joe's in the past, but this year I was in the mood for something different.
I decided on dinner at the Crystal Palace. I was somewhat surprised I hadn't thought of it sooner. It's been around for 14 years and I haven't been once! So Mom made the reservations and that night we were treated to a stellar dinner, live music, and I even had a couple dances with Dad. That's a sight to see, really. Neither of us have rhythm so we were a bit goofy out there, but it was fun, so didn't really care.
It really was the best birthday I can remember. I won't say I didn't pay for it, because I sure as heck did. The next day, Dad had to drive me to the house for my birthday party (Cake and Presents! YAY!) and my body was killing me all day, but the way I see it, there are some things worth the pain. I think in some ways that's what life is about. Finding out what is worth the pain and doing it. The way I figure it, I don't have to attend every event. I just have to pick and choose the ones that will be the most rewarding.
A few weeks ago, I had an 18 hour sleep night....well, actually it was day, I believe. Anyway, that day totally screwed up my sleep schedule, as if I needed any help sleeping poorly. After that I had major issues. I couldn't fall asleep until 4 or 5am and I couldn't wake up until the afternoon. Despite what seemed like a sufficient amount of sleep, I woke up more tired than ever. Either I was asleep for felt like I still needed to.
I'm kinda used to this more or less, but it kills me every time when it affects my work life, social life. My CBT Therapist said dealing with the sleep issues would be the first step to dealing with my Fibro. I was scheduled to see my Rheumatologist the following week, so I brought it up. The doctor put me on Trazadone and told me if after 1 week, I still wasn't sleeping well, to increase the dose to 2 tabs a night.
Trazadone just made me feel worse. I would take it and still not fall asleep for hours. When I finally did fall asleep, I'd sleep all day and wake up more sluggish than ever. To top it off, I would get dizzy spells several times a day. It got to the point I couldn't drive farther than my parent's house for fear the dizzy spells would strike. Fortunately, my little brother was a huge help and could drive me where I needed to go.
After 2 weeks, I called my rheumatologist back and insisted that I needed to try another medication. I remembered taking Ambien a few years ago that worked well back then, so he prescribed that this time. I'm glad now the dizzy spells have subsided, though I am writing this at 4am, it's just a weird situation. I actually went to bed at 10:30 with a headache so bad I was feeling nauseous. But then I woke up at 1:30 so who knows what's going on....
But, despite all these sleep problems, I was still able to have a wonderful birthday. I turned 25 this year, and as is tradition in our family, Mom and Dad took me out to dinner at a place of my choice. Just me and them. I'd always picked Red Lobster or Tahoe Joe's in the past, but this year I was in the mood for something different.
I decided on dinner at the Crystal Palace. I was somewhat surprised I hadn't thought of it sooner. It's been around for 14 years and I haven't been once! So Mom made the reservations and that night we were treated to a stellar dinner, live music, and I even had a couple dances with Dad. That's a sight to see, really. Neither of us have rhythm so we were a bit goofy out there, but it was fun, so didn't really care.
It really was the best birthday I can remember. I won't say I didn't pay for it, because I sure as heck did. The next day, Dad had to drive me to the house for my birthday party (Cake and Presents! YAY!) and my body was killing me all day, but the way I see it, there are some things worth the pain. I think in some ways that's what life is about. Finding out what is worth the pain and doing it. The way I figure it, I don't have to attend every event. I just have to pick and choose the ones that will be the most rewarding.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My First CBT Session
Today was my first appointment for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Walking into it, I truly didn't know what to expect. All I knew was that it was supposed to give me tools to help with my fibro. I didn't actually get to meet with the therapist I originally scheduled with. He had to reschedule, but he didn't have an available time slot until the end of August. So I set up an appointment with someone else. Kate (can't remember her last name......sad, isn't it?)
I met with her today. As she escorted me into her office, we realized that the papers I filled out at orientation weren't in my file. So, I basically got to start from scratch. No big. We started talking about my symptoms: pain, fatigue, sleep deprivation, depression, crying spells, anxiety, to name a few. While not really fibro related, we started with the crying. Something I've never really been able to overcome. I told her it's most difficult when seeing my doctor because I tend to be nervous about what my doctor will say (especially new doctors), whether they will believe Fibro exists or if it's all in my head. When the crying spells start, they just don't understand it. She told me it's not that "weird". She said it's possible that for me, it's a stress coping mechanism. She said it's perfectly natural, which just made me feel more comfortable and at ease when I did cry in her office.
We talked a lot about the things I'm going through now, my goals for the future, things I dealt with in the past. Truly, we kinda jumped around a lot. But the best part was learning that she had fibro too! I mean of all things, I got assigned to a therapist who knows EXACTLY what I deal with every day. She had some resources I hadn't really explored too. She gave me a copy of a magazine she subscribes to and on the back she wrote the name of a book: From Fatigued to Fantastic by Jacob Teitelbaum. So, I'll be purchasing that book and will hopefully have it by next week.
The only real disappointment is that she'll be having knee surgery in a couple weeks. So, she won't be able to see me again until September, but I really like her. I like that she can relate well to me, so I can deal with waiting. In the meantime, I can get that book, and begin working through it.
She also suggested I have a simple blood test done as well. She said that in some cases, the flu-like symptoms that can come on during a flare could actually have it's roots in the Epsteen-Barr Virus, which typically results in cold sores. She said some people present without cold sores, but can get sores inside the mouth. With the canker sores I tend to get, I think it's at least worth looking into. That virus can be managed with medication so if I test positive for it, I might be able to reduce the severity of my flares.
All in all, my hour with her felt very productive and encouraging. I can't wait for our next appointment.
I met with her today. As she escorted me into her office, we realized that the papers I filled out at orientation weren't in my file. So, I basically got to start from scratch. No big. We started talking about my symptoms: pain, fatigue, sleep deprivation, depression, crying spells, anxiety, to name a few. While not really fibro related, we started with the crying. Something I've never really been able to overcome. I told her it's most difficult when seeing my doctor because I tend to be nervous about what my doctor will say (especially new doctors), whether they will believe Fibro exists or if it's all in my head. When the crying spells start, they just don't understand it. She told me it's not that "weird". She said it's possible that for me, it's a stress coping mechanism. She said it's perfectly natural, which just made me feel more comfortable and at ease when I did cry in her office.
We talked a lot about the things I'm going through now, my goals for the future, things I dealt with in the past. Truly, we kinda jumped around a lot. But the best part was learning that she had fibro too! I mean of all things, I got assigned to a therapist who knows EXACTLY what I deal with every day. She had some resources I hadn't really explored too. She gave me a copy of a magazine she subscribes to and on the back she wrote the name of a book: From Fatigued to Fantastic by Jacob Teitelbaum. So, I'll be purchasing that book and will hopefully have it by next week.
The only real disappointment is that she'll be having knee surgery in a couple weeks. So, she won't be able to see me again until September, but I really like her. I like that she can relate well to me, so I can deal with waiting. In the meantime, I can get that book, and begin working through it.
She also suggested I have a simple blood test done as well. She said that in some cases, the flu-like symptoms that can come on during a flare could actually have it's roots in the Epsteen-Barr Virus, which typically results in cold sores. She said some people present without cold sores, but can get sores inside the mouth. With the canker sores I tend to get, I think it's at least worth looking into. That virus can be managed with medication so if I test positive for it, I might be able to reduce the severity of my flares.
All in all, my hour with her felt very productive and encouraging. I can't wait for our next appointment.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I Hope This Is Worth Watching!
I just discovered that Nickelodeon gave the green light to produce the sequel to Avatar: The Last Airbender! I loved the Avatar series so much, I actually own all three seasons on DVD. I felt 3 was just too little. I loved the ending, but hated that it ended. So hearing that there's a sequel has me giddy!
On the other hand, my disappointment with most sequels gives me mixed feelings. I am generally pessimistic about sequels, but the creators/producers are staying the same, so that's a good sign. I really hope this series doesn't leave me dissappointed.
The new series, Avatar: The Legend of Korra (title may change) outlines the story of the next Avatar in the cycle, a girl named Korra from the southern Water Tribe. Unlike Aang's adventure where we watched him master Water, Earth, and Fire, Korra's story begins with her attempt to master Airbending in a world with few airbenders. Her journey takes her to Republic City, a city with rampant crime and "a growing anti-bending revolution".
It sounds very interesting and I'll certainly be keeping up with the series when it comes out.
Full article here.
On the other hand, my disappointment with most sequels gives me mixed feelings. I am generally pessimistic about sequels, but the creators/producers are staying the same, so that's a good sign. I really hope this series doesn't leave me dissappointed.
The new series, Avatar: The Legend of Korra (title may change) outlines the story of the next Avatar in the cycle, a girl named Korra from the southern Water Tribe. Unlike Aang's adventure where we watched him master Water, Earth, and Fire, Korra's story begins with her attempt to master Airbending in a world with few airbenders. Her journey takes her to Republic City, a city with rampant crime and "a growing anti-bending revolution".
It sounds very interesting and I'll certainly be keeping up with the series when it comes out.
Full article here.
This totally beats my recliner!
OMG OMG OMG!!!
In the words of hamburger loving kitties, DO WANT!
http://gizmodo.com/5594782/motorized-couch-declared-sofa-non-grata-at-byu
In the words of hamburger loving kitties, DO WANT!
http://gizmodo.com/5594782/motorized-couch-declared-sofa-non-grata-at-byu
Saturday, July 24, 2010
"Fixing" Google Images??
I'm an avid reader of Lifehacker. I love finding new little techy hacks or just fun stuff to read. But, came across a strange article today here.
For those of you who haven't tried to find any images on Google yet, Google recently changed their image search. Rather than having to click through page after page for images, you can see up to 1,000 images per page. I personally rather like this better than the old way. I can't count the number of times I've gotten to page 28 without finding anything I liked (so I'm picky. Sue me.)
It's a welcome change, for me at least, but I guess someone wasn't so happy with it since they discovered the hack to change it back to the old way.
I'll pass. This is one Lifehack I won't be making use of, as far as I can see.
For those of you who haven't tried to find any images on Google yet, Google recently changed their image search. Rather than having to click through page after page for images, you can see up to 1,000 images per page. I personally rather like this better than the old way. I can't count the number of times I've gotten to page 28 without finding anything I liked (so I'm picky. Sue me.)
It's a welcome change, for me at least, but I guess someone wasn't so happy with it since they discovered the hack to change it back to the old way.
I'll pass. This is one Lifehack I won't be making use of, as far as I can see.
Friday, July 23, 2010
The "I won't let it win" Mentality
A friend of mine told me a story once of a lady he saw once. He was a police officer on patrol and noticed this lady who was struggling to pull the trash cans up from her curb. He went to help her, and after talking, learned she had Multiple Sclerosis. He asked her how she lives with it, and she said "I have MS, MS doesn't have me".
It was a line I've never forgotten and I try to remember as I struggle with Fibromyalgia. I want to be able to say "I have Fibromyalgia, Fibromyalgia doesn't have me". But it's a difficult thing to achieve. The fact is that my life with Fibro is much different than my life before it. I have had to make adjustments just to cope with even good days. There are things I've learned my body simply can't handle like it used to.
Does this mean I'm letting Fibro win? Does Fibro indeed have me? I don't believe so.
It was a line I've never forgotten and I try to remember as I struggle with Fibromyalgia. I want to be able to say "I have Fibromyalgia, Fibromyalgia doesn't have me". But it's a difficult thing to achieve. The fact is that my life with Fibro is much different than my life before it. I have had to make adjustments just to cope with even good days. There are things I've learned my body simply can't handle like it used to.
Does this mean I'm letting Fibro win? Does Fibro indeed have me? I don't believe so.
Monday, July 19, 2010
I Hate Mondays
Ok, so, today has been quite stressful. On top of having to have a project completed today, we had a virus crisis. Since I'm the resident computer tech, naturally, it landed in my lap. I would just like to say, MalwareBytes rocks! Even AVG in safe mode couldn't detect the 11 infections MB found. But, it certainly added to my stress having to deal with this on the day I needed to finish that project.
I spent hours in agony while one of my trigger points flared up. It felt like the little devil on my shoulder was poking it relentlessly with his pitchfork. My tramadol did nothing to help. But, I stuck it out, determined not to let Dad down. Now, I'm home recuperating, hoping tomorrow brings me less pain.
In the meantime, for your enjoyment, I'm not the only one who hates Mondays:
I spent hours in agony while one of my trigger points flared up. It felt like the little devil on my shoulder was poking it relentlessly with his pitchfork. My tramadol did nothing to help. But, I stuck it out, determined not to let Dad down. Now, I'm home recuperating, hoping tomorrow brings me less pain.
In the meantime, for your enjoyment, I'm not the only one who hates Mondays:
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Importance of a Good Chair
So, I had a thought last night as I was trying to sleep (I wish these thoughts would come to me when I'm NOT trying to sleep). There is one thing that has been my source of comfort since the day I bought it: my recliner. When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I had had a VERY bad week. As a matter of fact, what caused me enough pain to see the doctor was sitting in a bad chair for too long. Bible study used to be held at the local college. One night we borrowed a classroom to watch a movie. I should have known better than to sit in those horrid chairs, but I didn't want the embarrassment of leaving early; the well-meaning, but piercing looks of concern.
So, I stayed, and flared, and eventually got my diagnosis, but it was a painful realization that all it takes to send me crashing is a bad chair. It wasn't long after my diagnosis that I decided to invest in a better chair for home. I realized there was only one comfortable chair in the house, and grandma was usually sitting in it when I got home, so since I haven't the heart to kick grandma from her chair, I got my own. I figured I'd do a little looking around and eventually find one. I budged about $400 for a quality chair.
My first stop was Costco; turns out it would be my last stop. I went straight to the furniture section (after oggling briefly at the flash drives). I slowly passed the dining set and a sofa and saw a handful of chairs. I sat in one that almost swallowed me. It made me uneasy to sit in and it's footrest didn't support my legs well. I tried out a few other chairs until I found the perfect chair.
It was a beautiful coffee brown and when I sat in it, I felt every muscle sigh with relief. I reclined the chair and the footrest was perfectly supporting my legs. Well, I certainly wasn't going to buy based on first impressions. I must have sat in that chair for half an hour before I decided this was the one. And for a mere $250, it was well below budget. I've used it ever since.
Now, I can ensure perfect comfort when I'm home, but it wasn't until recently I did the same for work. I, for whatever reason, always figured this "ergonomics" thing was just another way for big companies to talk you into spending more money. But, for the last 6 months, I noticed a trend. After 2 hours of sitting in my chair, my lower back would cause me unbearable pain. Many days, I couldn't work longer than 2 hours, even if I took breaks.
I started seriously considering an ergonomic chair for work. I talked to my chiropractor and found out what I needed to look for in a good chair: not too soft, good lumbar support, and something I could sit in for a few hours. With Dad offering to buy it for me, I started looking around. I tried several chairs, and was surprised how little the "chiropractor approved" chairs matched with what my chiropractor told me to look for. So many chairs were too soft, too uncomfortable, or had no lumbar support. But, finally I found a good one, and for only $150.
I'll tell you what, it makes a huge difference too. I have almost no back pain, and even on days I do, it doesn't set in until later in the day. I can't believe that I ever worked without a good chair like this. Combine this awesome chair with the new 23.6" monitor on my desk, and I'm living in heaven. We ended up getting it so large because, on top of it being so reasonably priced, it lets me see what I need to without leaning in to see it.
Next purchase: an awesome mattress.
So, I stayed, and flared, and eventually got my diagnosis, but it was a painful realization that all it takes to send me crashing is a bad chair. It wasn't long after my diagnosis that I decided to invest in a better chair for home. I realized there was only one comfortable chair in the house, and grandma was usually sitting in it when I got home, so since I haven't the heart to kick grandma from her chair, I got my own. I figured I'd do a little looking around and eventually find one. I budged about $400 for a quality chair.
My first stop was Costco; turns out it would be my last stop. I went straight to the furniture section (after oggling briefly at the flash drives). I slowly passed the dining set and a sofa and saw a handful of chairs. I sat in one that almost swallowed me. It made me uneasy to sit in and it's footrest didn't support my legs well. I tried out a few other chairs until I found the perfect chair.
It was a beautiful coffee brown and when I sat in it, I felt every muscle sigh with relief. I reclined the chair and the footrest was perfectly supporting my legs. Well, I certainly wasn't going to buy based on first impressions. I must have sat in that chair for half an hour before I decided this was the one. And for a mere $250, it was well below budget. I've used it ever since.
Now, I can ensure perfect comfort when I'm home, but it wasn't until recently I did the same for work. I, for whatever reason, always figured this "ergonomics" thing was just another way for big companies to talk you into spending more money. But, for the last 6 months, I noticed a trend. After 2 hours of sitting in my chair, my lower back would cause me unbearable pain. Many days, I couldn't work longer than 2 hours, even if I took breaks.
I started seriously considering an ergonomic chair for work. I talked to my chiropractor and found out what I needed to look for in a good chair: not too soft, good lumbar support, and something I could sit in for a few hours. With Dad offering to buy it for me, I started looking around. I tried several chairs, and was surprised how little the "chiropractor approved" chairs matched with what my chiropractor told me to look for. So many chairs were too soft, too uncomfortable, or had no lumbar support. But, finally I found a good one, and for only $150.
I'll tell you what, it makes a huge difference too. I have almost no back pain, and even on days I do, it doesn't set in until later in the day. I can't believe that I ever worked without a good chair like this. Combine this awesome chair with the new 23.6" monitor on my desk, and I'm living in heaven. We ended up getting it so large because, on top of it being so reasonably priced, it lets me see what I need to without leaning in to see it.
Next purchase: an awesome mattress.
Friday, July 16, 2010
FINALLY!!
I just spent several hours cleaning the notifications on Facebook. I haven't really dealt with them for months, so I had hundreds of gifts and neighbor requests piled up. OY! That was a project! At least it's clean now. Tired of accepting gifts that don't exist anymore.
Anyway, it's been such a long week. I've spent all week working on a drafting project that had to be done today. Well, it didn't happen. I'll have it finished on Monday. But couple the urgency of this project with the unrelenting fatigue, and I'm in sorry shape. I worked 7 and a half hours today (which is a lot considering I feel a good day is 6 hours). So, by the end of the day, I was pooped. Dad took me out to lunch, which was a nice way to wrap up a long day.
My next paycheck should be almost as good as this one. In my exhaustion, I forgot to finish my timecard, so I have no idea what my total hours are, but it's a fair bit at least. Like I told Flip, I may regret it, but I have the weekend to recuperate. Now, I think I'm going to go get me some ice cream.
Anyway, it's been such a long week. I've spent all week working on a drafting project that had to be done today. Well, it didn't happen. I'll have it finished on Monday. But couple the urgency of this project with the unrelenting fatigue, and I'm in sorry shape. I worked 7 and a half hours today (which is a lot considering I feel a good day is 6 hours). So, by the end of the day, I was pooped. Dad took me out to lunch, which was a nice way to wrap up a long day.
My next paycheck should be almost as good as this one. In my exhaustion, I forgot to finish my timecard, so I have no idea what my total hours are, but it's a fair bit at least. Like I told Flip, I may regret it, but I have the weekend to recuperate. Now, I think I'm going to go get me some ice cream.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Fatigue...or Exhaustion. Take your pick.
I'm sooooo tired. It's been a long week. And it's only Wednesday!
Monday, I managed to work 6 hours! I was kinda excited because I haven't worked a 6 hour day in quite a while. I just have to remember that on days I work, I need to limit myself. Monday, after work, I went to the grocery store to buy some much needed food. Just a half hour trip for a handful of items knocked me out for the rest of the day.
On the other hand, after my rheumy ordered me to double my citalopram (anti-depressant) in hopes that it would help my fibro, I'm lots happier. I don't know yet if it's working, but I'm happy! lol
Yesterday, I took the day off work because I needed my tires replaced. I've had a slow leak in one for ages. Grandma offered to help me pay for it so we went to Big O Tires. Grandma wasn't willing to pay that, but with quote in hand, I could make some phone calls. So far it seems Sears is the best price, and after calling to reactivate my credit card with them, I can put it on my card and not worry about borrowing yet more from Grandma. Of course, Grandma gave me the "pay on time every month, don't get late fees" lecture, but I know she means well.
Last night was the orientation for my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Jeff Bryant led it and explained how therapy with Kaiser Permanente works. There were about 20-25 people there, with different issues. I only know because some people would mention specific issues and ask questions. I was surprised how many people were unconcerned with complete strangers knowing what they suffer from. /shrug
Anyway, after the orientation, I hung around for a bit, waiting for the line of people setting up appointments to die down so I could make mine. I could have called, but I know I would have forgotten and I hate making phone calls anyway. I wasn't in any hurry to leave, so I set up with a semi-comfortable chair while everyone else worked out schedules. I am truly glad working for Dad means I have a very flexible schedule. And it's not just because I'm his daughter either; he's always been easy going about schedule. He only cares if the job gets done.
So I finally get to make my appointment (I've learned life is so much less stressful if I am patient; I have no problem waiting for everyone else to finish). I have my first session scheduled for next Wednesday with the same guy who led orientation. He seemed very pleasant and I'm eager to work with him.
Still working on my Princess Peach cross stitch. I should be able to get some pictures up soon. I just can't get the lighting right and I'm too tired to bother right now.
Monday, I managed to work 6 hours! I was kinda excited because I haven't worked a 6 hour day in quite a while. I just have to remember that on days I work, I need to limit myself. Monday, after work, I went to the grocery store to buy some much needed food. Just a half hour trip for a handful of items knocked me out for the rest of the day.
On the other hand, after my rheumy ordered me to double my citalopram (anti-depressant) in hopes that it would help my fibro, I'm lots happier. I don't know yet if it's working, but I'm happy! lol
Yesterday, I took the day off work because I needed my tires replaced. I've had a slow leak in one for ages. Grandma offered to help me pay for it so we went to Big O Tires. Grandma wasn't willing to pay that, but with quote in hand, I could make some phone calls. So far it seems Sears is the best price, and after calling to reactivate my credit card with them, I can put it on my card and not worry about borrowing yet more from Grandma. Of course, Grandma gave me the "pay on time every month, don't get late fees" lecture, but I know she means well.
Last night was the orientation for my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Jeff Bryant led it and explained how therapy with Kaiser Permanente works. There were about 20-25 people there, with different issues. I only know because some people would mention specific issues and ask questions. I was surprised how many people were unconcerned with complete strangers knowing what they suffer from. /shrug
Anyway, after the orientation, I hung around for a bit, waiting for the line of people setting up appointments to die down so I could make mine. I could have called, but I know I would have forgotten and I hate making phone calls anyway. I wasn't in any hurry to leave, so I set up with a semi-comfortable chair while everyone else worked out schedules. I am truly glad working for Dad means I have a very flexible schedule. And it's not just because I'm his daughter either; he's always been easy going about schedule. He only cares if the job gets done.
So I finally get to make my appointment (I've learned life is so much less stressful if I am patient; I have no problem waiting for everyone else to finish). I have my first session scheduled for next Wednesday with the same guy who led orientation. He seemed very pleasant and I'm eager to work with him.
Still working on my Princess Peach cross stitch. I should be able to get some pictures up soon. I just can't get the lighting right and I'm too tired to bother right now.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Reviving my Blog
Well, it's almost been a year since I posted to my blog, and I think it's time to revive it. I love to write, but sometimes I lack the diligence to actually do it like I should.
If there's one thing this year has taught me so far, it's how to take life one day at a time. In January, I had my gall bladder removed because I started having trouble with gallstones. Unfortunately, I had little understanding of what impact that would have on me. I expected perhaps a few extra weeks of recovery than the average person might have due to my fibromyalgia, but 6 months later, I'm still struggling to work a decent amount of hours.
My goal? for now, it's 4 hours a day M-F. Right now, I'm working pretty much as much as I can, usually amounts to about 10 hours a week. This week I've nearly killed myself to work more. But I turned in 15 hours on my timecard this week, plus the holiday, I expect a good paycheck. The real struggle for me is waking up early enough so I can get to work before noon.
But, progress is progress. Slow and steady wins the race. And all the other lame catchphrases I tell myself to feel better.
If there's one thing this year has taught me so far, it's how to take life one day at a time. In January, I had my gall bladder removed because I started having trouble with gallstones. Unfortunately, I had little understanding of what impact that would have on me. I expected perhaps a few extra weeks of recovery than the average person might have due to my fibromyalgia, but 6 months later, I'm still struggling to work a decent amount of hours.
My goal? for now, it's 4 hours a day M-F. Right now, I'm working pretty much as much as I can, usually amounts to about 10 hours a week. This week I've nearly killed myself to work more. But I turned in 15 hours on my timecard this week, plus the holiday, I expect a good paycheck. The real struggle for me is waking up early enough so I can get to work before noon.
But, progress is progress. Slow and steady wins the race. And all the other lame catchphrases I tell myself to feel better.
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