This post is going to be a bit more personal than most. But I'm hoping someone can benefit from my experience.
I have struggled with depression since I was 13. A series of knee surgeries and the loss of a friend left me alone and unable to keep up with people my age. As time went on, new friends came and went, but lingering, unsolved pain and depression remained. I always felt like I stood out from my peers. I felt so different and felt people judged me for having pains they couldn't see. But I always thought after high school, things would be better. The truth is, however, that there's not much from that time that I can remember as positive. Up until the time I was 20, most of my life had been one crapstorm after another.
I tried to find enjoyment, and picked up a card game I really enjoyed. My brothers also liked it, so at one point, I would take them with me every Friday to a local book store for a tournament. And then, one day, I ran into Brian, an old friend of mine from high school. He worked security there, and was on his rounds with his partner and friend, Chris.
I had no idea how that would change my life. Brian told me how he attended a bible study with Chris every week and invited me to come. Now that blew my mind. The Brian I knew had struggled to find his way, and to hear him now inviting me to a bible study, well, I had to see what it was that would have him inviting people to it.
I'd always been a Christian, and I'd attended bible studies in the past. I never stayed with one as long as this though. I met the most wonderful people there. These people grew to become my best friends. We laughed, cried, and prayed together.
As I grew more comfortable with my new friends, I started leading worship. I had always loved to sing, and they allowed me to use that for God's glory. I found peace every week in this.
The year I turned 21 had been especially hard. I sunk deeper into the depression I thought I had gotten over. That was the year my bible study planned to go Christmas caroling. When I declined to go, my friends knew there was a problem and confronted me.
Now, Chris and his wife, Sarah, have this way of really getting to what is bothering you. Pretty soon, I was spilling my guts. Chris brought us out IBC Cream Sodas. He told me to stop and just enjoy the cream soda. I was to let go of all the crap that had happened and just enjoy it for the moment. When I was finished, I felt a little better, but not enough to counter 8 years of heartache and hurt. After a while, Chris told me to list 5 good things that had happened that week. I can't tell you how hard that was. I felt surrounded by so much bad stuff, finding something I couldn't complain about was hard.
As hard as it was, I eventually managed it. Chris took the bottles and washed them out and came back with mine in hand. As he dried it out, he gave me an assignment (he'd make a great teacher. He loves giving out homework). Every day, I was to think of just one good thing that had happened. Just one thing I could be thankful for. Once I found my one thing, I would write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the bottle. When I had filled the bottle, we would share another bottle of cream soda.
Pretty soon, I found myself finding joy in the little things. Even on the bad days, I could hear Chris's voice saying, "So what's one good thing?" Every day, as I got off work, looking back over my day, I'd find my thoughts of "Oh my gosh, it's been such a crappy day!" change to "Yeah, but at least..." The bottle of post-its in the cupholder in my car was a constant reminder.
When I finally filled it, we shared cream sodas again and looked over the last year. On looking back, we realized that I had had only 2 breakdowns in that year, compared to dozens prior to that. I cried tears of joy as I realized how far I had come. I realized I had shed more tears of joy this year than I had shed tears of sorrow or hurt.
Chris and Sarah told me that people noticed a difference in me and had told them so. The end of that night, I left with my full bottle in hand as a reminder and a new one to fill up with more good things.
I still battle with my depression at times, but this exercise taught me to look at life differently. There are times I try to talk myself out of doing something I want to do, but I look at the good, the fun I'll have. If nothing else, this is another tool in my battle with my depression.
This Christmas is hopeful again. I see the good things again. My outlook has changed. My relationship with God and with others has improved. I am changing the parts of my life that need to change. I'm taking more pride in myself and more joy in my life. Life isn't just the waiting period for heaven, anymore. It's not something I'm forced to endure until I see my Maker. It's something to enjoy again.
My battle may never end. This may be a fight I'm in for my whole life, but I look at it this way. God works everything for the good of those that love Him, right? Even the bad things that happened in my life had their purposes. And perhaps someone can benefit from my story.
I hope by sharing this with you, it has blessed you in some way. God Bless and Merry Christmas!
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