Christmas Shopping is DONE!!!

Well, after weeks of contemplating what to get people, figuring out how much I could spend, and moving around the appropriate funds, I have managed to Finally get my Christmas shopping done. I decided this year, with my past experiences with long lines this time of year in combination with my declining tolerance of said long lines (2 people in front of me at the dollar store was enough to convince me), This year, I would be ordering everything online. So, I finally got the orders placed yesterday, which, according to the stores I ordered from, is still enough time to get them by Christmas with a few days to spare. I'll just have to wrap them when they get here and I'll be good to go. The best part is, I already will have boxes to take them to Mom and Dad's house in, So I don't have to try and find that like I did last year. lol. It feels good to get the shopping done with so early. I don't have that to worry about anymore.

So, yesterday, I finished that, went to the Chiropractor. He says I'm doing very well. My back and neck are holding their position well. They don't really pop much when he adjusts me, which seems like a good sign. He says I'm really flexible. He has to twist me around all sorts of ways to get the tension he needs to adjust me. lol. I feel like an owl with my chest facing one way, and my legs another. I'm remarkably flexible for a chubby girl. But that went well, and I've been doing well on making the payments and such. I went home afterwards ready to relax. Sit back in my recliner, watch a little TV, and slay some orcs. Actually, what I had in mind was to maybe do some crafting or something. I have plenty of Everquest characters to level up there and it's relaxing enough and mindless enough that I didn't have to deal with too much. I looked forward to chatting with my friends. But, the night did not turn out as I expected.

Recently, my guild co-leader, Rat, returned from his hiatus. He missed a lot in the couple months he was gone, but he's been slowly getting used to the changes and getting back into the swing of things. He picked up his old job, managing the guild bank. The banking system for the guild is basically we have 4 vaults. each one is set up for it's own unique purpose. Bank one is free-for-all. Anyone can take or deposit items there. Bank two was used to store Rare materials for armor or jewelery to be made. We had recently made plans for the items in there. Banks 3 and 4 were special Items that could be purchased with guild points, which we assign for a variety of things that benefit the guild.

I logged in yesterday to hear my co-leader say "Am I lagging? I must be lagging. There's nothing in the bank." I thought, he must be lagging. The only people who have access to the bank are officers, whom I trust, so he must be lagging. I checked and sure enough all the banks were drained of anything valuable. All the coin, all the items. Everything. We checked the logs and found that our newest officer, which, he's been an officer for about a month, had completely removed everything. We checked broker and were able to find that he was selling the items on some of his characters. I immediately called an emergency officer meeting to decide how to handle it. He was subsequently demoted until we could try to figure out what he was thinking, or at least have some strong words with him. The bank was locked down to all but leaders and senior officers (Whom have been around for quite some time and are certainly trustworthy). We researched his character and found the names of all his toons. A letter was sent to the guild to inform them that we had been robbed. We also decided to release the names of this character's alts in hopes that should they come accross him in the battlefield that they would dismember him with glee. What kills me most about it is that he didn't just betray my trust, but the trust of the guild. The guild donated eagerly to the bank, and he violated that. I think my most sr. officer was even more livid about the whole situation than I was. A petition was made in hopes that we might get some of our items back, but we have little hope for that. Sony rarely gets involved in these types of matters. My officers have been out farming zones for good items again and a couple of us raided our banks for rares.

We decided to crack down on a few things as a result of this. We've been lax about security of our guild hall, but shortly after discovering this, we were met with the sudden surge of people from another guild who felt that they were permitted to use our guild hall for free without actually being in the guild, simply because they used to be in the guild. It honestly really bothered me because they left, saying they wanted to raid, but yet they do not raid. I don't trust people who lie about why they leave. I get all sorts of reasons why people leave. I don't particularly care. If people want to leave, there's little I can do to stop them. But when they lie to me, that's when I have issues. So we locked down the guildhall. No visitors allowed for the time being. We're hoping they'll get the hint.

I'm trying not to let this turn of events cause me to be cynical or question those I've trusted before. It's difficult not to however. There's so much clean up work from this. So much for my relaxing night. I would really like to actually play the game for a bit before being assaulted with this kind of drama. *sigh* Maybe I'll be lucky and find that my guildies majorly pitched in to make up for this when I log on tonight.

Pictures

These are some of the pictures I took at Josiah's Birthday Party. He's so adorable!!

Josiah blew out the candles on his birthday cake all by himself!

He loves opening presents!

Josiah modeling his new Cars bathrobe.

He's modeling his Cars hat and gloves too.

Say "Cheese!", Josiah.....and he DID!

Sore all over

I don't know what I did, but I feel like I just finished working out. My abs, my back, arms, legs, everything hurts. I can't explain it. I'm just achey........

In other news, Thanksgiving was pretty fun. Justin actually showed up, which was good. I was afraid he'd decide not to spend it with the family because he and Mom are at odds. We ended up celebrating Josiah's birthday on Friday night. I have a few good pictures I will try to upload later. He blew out his own candle. it was so cute.

Despite having fun with the family this weekend, I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays. This is the worst time of the year to be alone. In some ways I blame myself. I don't get out much. Granted, the Fibro is the main cause of it, but I can't help but blame myself for not getting out more. If I got out and did more, maybe i wouldn't be so alone. I become more convinced the person I meet will be online, but there are so many unsavory characters online........I talked with a guy the other night and he's so obviously not good for me. He doesn't get it. It's so hard to explain my standards, my beliefs without seeming like an elitist. As much as I tried explaining it to him, he doesn't understand. I won't get involved in a relationship that cannot work. If our beliefs are so vastly different, how can it ever work? It wouldn't be so bad if he just accepted that and moved on, but he keeps talking as if he can win me over.

I talked with a friend of mine last night about this. How I'd been down that road before. How I'd been tempted to lose my virginity to that boy. He asked me if I was still a virgin and I told him I was. He told me that was admirable, which kinda shocked me. But it made me realize something else. I want a man who thinks that's admirable, not who's going to try to convince me to waver there. This guy keeps talking about how he could show me a good time and his girlfriends in the past only seemed to like him for how he was in bed. I'm not interested in that.

I have a feeling this will end in conflict. If only I fould find someone who would be exactly what I need him to be. Maybe I'm asking too much.

A brief update

I really need to get better about using this thing. lol. What's the point of having a blog if I don't use it?

Things have been pretty busy at work. I managed to get into work most of last week, despite feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. This weather is really messing with me. Between sinus problems and FMS, I've been miserable. But I finally got over my sinus infection, so it's just a matter of maintaining now. That reminds me. I need to call my Dr and see if my insurance approved my Allegra prescription. They hate approving meds for me. **sigh** If I weren't on a group plan, I'd be afraid they'd drop me. lol.

The chiropractor is going well so far. I pay them $150/month and I get as many adjustments as I need. Right now, I'm going 3x a week. It's really kinda nice. I get everything put in place and it really feels good. This week I think I need it more than ever........the FMS is really acting up. It had started to subside for a bit, but it's back in full force this week. I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I am just achey and in pain all over. I'm starting to wonder if I've got RLS too, because I have the most miserable time with my legs when I'm reclining or in bed......This is the first I've noticed it, so I'm going to keep an eye on it, and bring it up the next time I see my dr if it continues.

geez......I really am a mess. Several paragraphs of health problems and I could still go on.....but I won't. hehe. Josiah's birthday was Sunday, but we're planning on celebrating it on Thursday when the whole family can be there. I can't believe he's 3!!! He's talking so much now. He knows his pokemon. lol. I swear, it seems my little brothers learn made up words before real ones, but he really does talk in sentences now. "I put castle up here!" he said the other night. lol. It was soooo cute. He even asks questions: "you go through gate?" At least, I think that's what he said. lol. I need to see if I've got video of him. I'll have to post it. He's just so darling. lol. He knows his signs. He signs "More drink" and "bath" and he's getting close to doing "I love you". But he actually did SAY "I love you" the other day. Grandma brought him to the condo on my day off work a couple weeks ago. "I go up stairs" he says, and he did. "I go down stairs" and one by one he made it down stairs. He came to me distraught when Grandma was in the bathroom and he goes "Where grama??" He was so scared. lol. He thought he lost her.

Mom's going to go simple this year for thanksgiving. Order some of the stuff from Vons or wherever and just make a few of the favorites. Probably wise. Maybe I'll make and bring the mashed potatoes. I always liked the home made ones better than store bought. We still don't know if Justin will be there. He's kinda been at odds with the family since "The Confrontation" we had with him a while ago. He and Brittany broke up and I think he's bitter about that. I know he has to have his time where he's rebelling, but it sucks around the holidays because I don't know if he'll be there or not. My guess is he won't. And that will kinda put a damper on things.

Great! A new development.....apparently, I can't put my weight on my left foot. This will make for a wonderful day........I just can't catch a break. I feel like if it isn't one thing it's another. Well, I've got to get back to work. Hopefully, I can make it through the day.

Can't afford it.........

Of all the things that gets me worked up, money is the worst. Ever since about June, I've had the hardest time working enough to make ends meet. I've managed to make it up to almost 30 hours a week, but it's still difficult. On top of paying for the basic necessities, I've got my Lyrica, Ambien, Vicodin just to deal with the FMS, and If I get sick, that's more meds, in addition to the over the counter junk I have to buy.......It just piles up. This last week I went to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions, only to find that 2 of them couldn't be found in generic and cost $80 each. Needless to say, I left without those. I dread when I have to fill my Lyrica again, because that's another $100 just for the deductable. After that, I'll pay $30 per refill, but still.......

So, the last time I went to the doctor, I talked to him about seeing a chiro. He told me he thought it might help and was all for it. He gave me the name of his chiro and I scheduled an appointment for today. What I neglected to find out was that apparently, because I'm on an HMO, they don't cover chiro, at least not on my plan. The ladies were going to double check for me, and I thought, "well, how much could it be?" they said it would eb a cash plan at a reduced rate. After an hour of tests and standing and moving and more testing, xrays, and computer scans, they said I would go back tomorrow for the results and my chiro plan. Ok, fine. I can live with that. I'll get my adjustment tomorrow, and everythin will be hunky dory.

I get to the counter to pay.........$220!!!!! I broke down. I don't have $220 in my account right now, how the heck am I suposed to pay that??? One of the ladies took me back to her office. we talked about it. She's going to check with my ins and see if they will cover any of it. We might have to get my dr to write a referal for it. I know he would. He'll do most anything if it means less pain for me. but, even then, I don't know if this is going to be manageable for me. I have spent soooooo much money on my health. $200 colonoscopy, meds, dr's visits. I just can't afford this.

I thought health insurance was supposed to make it possible for you to actually be healthy. I hate to be so negative......Things have been getting better, slowly, but everytime I have a set back like this, I feel more like living with FMS is a death sentence. If it doesn't kill me, the going broke will. my only saving grace is that I live with my Grandma and she will forgive me if I miss rent for a couple months.

I'm sorry. It's just one of those days, but I just can't comprehend why it's so (insert adjective of choice here) expensive just to be well. It's hardest on those of us who need it most.......

I Love my Guild

**Warning: You may need a gamer dictionary to fully understand this post**

I absolutely LOVE my guild. When I first started it, I wondered at the success of it. It was essentially founded out of my need to surround myself with people in my time of hurt. I couldn't bear pressing the "U" key to bring up the guild window (old habits) only to find I wasn't in a guild anymore. The list of guilds on the page called to me, begging me to join, but how, after leading a guild, could I possibly go back to just being another name in a list? I still had that desire to lead a guild, to get my hands messy with the day to day running of the guild, to feel that blessing when people praised my guild. I had enough support to create a new guild. My friends encouraged me and eventually, I did. From the Ashes I felt was an appropriate name, as many of the founding members, like me, had had many bad experiences with guilds. Out of the ashes of those "fallings out", this guild, I hoped, would soar.

Since then, we've seen our trials and tribulations, but mostly we've just had many many good times. There have been days and weeks when I was convinced that our guild was failing. I've learned that those dull times, when no one is online, no one does anything, and I can't even talk to my officers and co-leaders, are going to happen, and usually don't last long. This last week was like that. I was used to having 15-20 members online a night (a good number for a guild of 100) but we tended to max out at 8 or 9 that week. No one talked, no one grouped up. It was boring, to say the least. I did my best to stay optimistic. That dry spell would soon end, and we'd be flooded with activity again.

Sure enough, this week has majorly picked up again. I had an especially good amount of fun last night. I was slightly concerned, since I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to take on stress that would make me feel worse, but instead, I was blessed. One of our members, Ieia, is fairly new, but he's fitting in quite well. He raids in a guild called Insurrection, which is one of the larger, richer, more notable guilds in the game. Well, last night was a night filled with banter and fun. We had some interesting discussion. Envy, who is notable for being a flirt, and I had our back and forth all night. I play hard to get like no one's business. It's all in good fun. We just enjoyed ourselves. While some of us might have been mindlessly crafting, or finishing quests they should have finished ages ago, or whatever, we just talked. For us, the game is more than just killing every orc you see. For us, the game is our outlet. In my case, it's how I can "get out" with friends.

In RL (real life), I have to pace myself. I can't sit in a barstool, or even a regular chair for long. I can't walk for long. I need breaks and pit stops. I'm slow. The more impatient of my RL friends will just "let me catch up" while they go do whatever. Sometimes, it involves me leaving the fun early, missing out on so much. It's very painful. I'm the odd one out.

In game, I have no such inhibitions. I am free. I can run, sometimes faster than my buddies. I can keep up. Letting people "catch up" is not limited to those who are slow and the catching up is usually done as a group. We all help people "catch up" to where we are in a quest. I'm not the only one "catching up". If I need to take a break, I can put my buddy on auto-follow and take my break. People aren't waiting on me to have their fun.

Well, back to the story, Ieia was saying, after a particularly crazy bit of banter, that one thing that he hates about his raiding guild is that they don't have this fun, playful, casual chat. Everyone's so serious, and most of them in there hate each other. And I had to think back, even to day 1. One of the things I've considered one of my greatest blessings is that most of the people who've been in our guild for any length of time have been good people. Care-free, fun, understanding, caring, kind people. I can't help but admire them.

From the Ashes has been in existance for 6 months, as of Monday. We've been very successful as a guild. We have 100 members, many of which are very involved in the guild and are major members. We're a lvl 53 guild now, and we're moving along nicely. We have a Guild Hall, and plenty of money and status has been donated to it for upkeep and amenities. But easily, the thing I consider to be our biggest success, is the quality of the friendships and bonds we have. Many of these people I would love to meet in RL some day. Some, I already have. We know each other on a personal level, beyond just the game, beyond what class you play.

Call me an addict. Tell me I need to get out more. Say I'm wasting my life on a video game. At the end of the day, I know where my priorities lie. I may have an addiction, but not to the game. My addiction is to the people and the fun times I have with them. Our hang-out is Freeport, not the Mall. We may not sit in the seats next to each other, but we're watching the same movie. We might not be shopping for clothes together, but you can bet my friends will comment on my armor and will be the first to help me get new stuff when I need it.

How I Felt......

My friend sent this to me after my colonoscopy. It's pretty much how I felt. =D

This is God - Phil Vassar

Taking a short break from work, I found this video. I LOVE this song. Absolutely beautiful, but the movie is even more moving. I loved the ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83PEiGbXnYI

Need to get better about updating this thing

Sigh......I'm an awful journaler. I have not kept up with this thing like I should, but it's kinda been a rough couple weeks. I think my journal on the FMS forums covers most of it:
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Ok, so obviously, I've been kinda out of it. This last week has been really rough.

The constipation continued and continued despite being on 2 laxatives. I wish I had taken everyone's advice and gotten the miralax back then, but money was an issue. So, GI doc scheduled a colonoscopy for Wednesday. Tuesday was miserable!!! The prep for the scope literally drains you. I had to take the miralax (fortunately, insurance covered this bottle) and i drank tons of water. That stuff works fast! I was up and going every 10 minutes. I was so exhausted tho. Not being able to eat really anything besides jello and popsicles takes it out of you. I went to bed at 8, really early for me. Woke up around 2 and went down stairs. I was still going ever half hour.......At one point, I got that feeling you get when you have dry heaves.......I felt like I had to go with nothing to go...... I got over it in about 5 minutes, thank god, but it was really miserable. Went back to bed for a couple hours before I had to give my self 2 enemas......fun fun fun.

Colonoscopy went fairly well, aside from the waiting. Sitting in that chair really hurt my back. I was glad to get on the gurney. I was still awake for the first part of the scope, but they soon gave me enough drugs to not care anymore. Went home and rested, glad it was over and done with. They didn't find anything but some inflamation. I'm hoping this is the end of my major constipation probs..........

But, when it rains, it pours. The colonoscopy cost me $200 that I needed to borrow some money from my Dad to help cover. Then, Thursday, I discovered that my account was going to be overdrawn because my insurance hadn't posted when I thought it had. So I got my check early to cover the debt before I incurred overdraft fees. I went to deposit the check after work, and found that I was going to be overdrawn by $400. I freaked!

Turns out, my automatic bill pay to my grandma was scheduled to be paid that day. They informed me on their site that if the money wasn't available, the payment would not be made. Apparently, they don't tell you that your available balance includes $800 for your overdraft limit. So be cause I CAN be over drawn by $800, they can decide that for me. I threw a fit!

I dealt with so many people, spent an hour trying to fix it. Finally, I got them to put a stop payment on it and have it credited back to my account, but I still needed to cover the stuff that would hit. The credit wouldn't happen for a few days. I talked with a lady who said she could credit back my overdraft fees for anything that hit prior to my payment to my grandma. I had to borrow $500 from my Dad so I wouldn't go overdrawn again. In the end, after lots of frustration, tears, and phone calls, I got everything covered and had about $100 to get me through the weekend.

But, does my tale end there? no. Thinking that it's the weekend, and I'm glad the week is over, I settled in for a nice weekend, no responsibilities other than to do laundry. I realized Saturday that I needed to get some food. And I was all out of Diet Rite, my one vice, so I decided to drive to the store. On the way back, I somehow wasn't paying attention and ran a red light...........Into traffic.

There were 2 lanes of traffic making a left turn on to my street. I managed to miss the cars in the first lane, but hit a car in the second one. Fortunately no one was hurt, and the damage wasn't that bad. But, That is an at fault accident that's going to possibly cause my rates to go up, and because I don't have comp/collision on my old clunker, I don't get any money for those repairs. The damage to my car isn't horrid. It still drives, and I don't think anything will impair the function of the vehicle. Surprisingly, my parking light, which was smashed in the impact, still turns on. lol. Headlights work, nothing under the hood was touched. Seems to just be some body damage. Considering my car is almost 14 years old, I'm ok with a little body damage. It doesn't bother me any. As long as it gets me from point a to point b, I'm fine.

So, I made the decision not to leave my house for the rest of the weekend. But, in hindsight, There's quite a bit I can be thankful for. I'm 7 pounds lighter than before because of cleaning me out, i think. I'm back at work, and physically doing pretty well today. The $500 is back in my account as of today, and things are starting to look up.

Looks like it stopped raining.

Forum Posting Rules to Follow

Someone on my FMS forums posted this and I thought it was worth a repost.
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When posting in online forums, adhere to the following guidelines to ensure you get the most out of your online experience.

Rule 1: Argue! This is absolutely the most important rule of posting in any online forum and many of the other rules are based upon it. Be sure to start an argument whenever the opportunity presents itself. In fact, even if the opportunity doesn't present itself, argue anyway. After all, people don't come to message boards to share ideas, have polite discussions, or learn new things; they're there stricly for the non-stop arguments so be sure not to disappoint. Also, be sure not to back up your arguments with any facts.

Rule 2: Flame other posters. This rule goes hand in hand with rule 1. You're already starting an argument, so why not insult someone while you're at it? Don't just disagree with the previous poster's post; make it personal! If member John293 creates a topic about why he feels the war in Iraq was uneccesary, you should respond with "No John, the war was right and you're stupid for thinking otherwise." Better yet, throw in an insult that has nothing to do with the topic of discussion and make sure it's an insult about their appearance or something in their personal life you couldn't possibly know anything about. Take the previous example about user John293's anti-war post. An even better response would be "No john, the war was right and you're ugly."

Rule 3: Never, under any circumstances,use proper spelling and grammar. Doing so will only confirm that you are a nerd. Instead you should shorten three letter words such as you and are and express them as single letters like U and R. Be sure to substitute as many letters in a word as you can with numbers. Spell these words wrong as well. For example, instead of typing "I Like to eat," you should type "i L31k 2 34t." Also remember to never ever begin a sentence with a capital letter. This will only make your sentences easier to understand and in turn easier for whomever you're currently arguing with to pick apart and respond to your posts.

Rule 4: Lie. Fabricate stories about girlfriends or boyfriends you don't have, experiences you've never had, and sports you don't play. After all, who's going to check? This can be especially useful in arguments. Should someone attempt to call you on an argument which has no factual basis (none of your arguments should anyway), simply lie and tell them you graduated from an Ivy League college at the top of your class which landed you a 6-figure job and are therefore not only much smarter but also a more successful person in general than whoever it is you're currently locked in battle with.

Rule 5: When arguing, be sure to point out every minor spelling and/or grammatical mistake in your opponent's previous post. This will distract the other users reading your argumentative and insulting posts (yes, you have an audience and everyone is interested in your petty fight) from the fact that your posts have no actual substance or point to them. Should your opponent's post contain no errors, call him or her a nerd for taking the time to write out such a perfect posts. If your opponent points out the errors in your own post (and there should be plenty of them), tell him or her that you weren't really paying attention when you wrote it and imply that he or she has no life for scrutinizing over it.

Rule 6: On most forums there is a search feature. This feature is just there for show; make sure never to use it. Instead, what you should do is make a new thread about your topic. If it's already been posted numerous times before, great! Now there's one more and every good poster knows you can never have enough duplicate threads. If for some reason no one responds to your thread, don't search for answers or information elsewhere. Simply make another thread containing the exact same post you posted in your first thread. This time around you're sure to get a response from someone and as an added bonus they may complain about the duplicate threads...another chance to argue!

Rule 7: Never back down or give up on an argument. No matter how clear it is that you're in the wrong and have lost, keep arguing and flaming. When everyone realizes your argument has nothing to support it, simply tell them that they just don't get it. If the other members politely ask that you remain on topic and cease the arguing, insult them and drag them into your argument. Don't ever stop until the board's administrator closes the thread and issues you a warning and/or ban.

Rule 8: When your username is banned from the forum (and if you've followed the previous rules correctly it will be) register under an alternate username and continue to troll about the forums. Mock the admin who banned your other username while you're at it. When you're banned again, simply repeat the process all over again.

If you follow this guide correctly you should earn yourself the coveted "IP ban," the ultimate goal of all good members of a message board, in no time!

Computer problems

Ugh......I think Kaidia's dying.

Kaidia is my main laptop, the one I play EQ2 on. So, I wake up this morning, open my laptop and discover that when I thought it was hibernating, it wasn't. it was on alllll niight.......UGH! But, It's never beena problem before, so I log in to play. I've got a few hours to play before I go see a movie with my family, so I want to get some things done. i'm regretting not staying up late last night now. So, after the first time it dropped me, I checked the router. The little orange light blinked at me to tell me that there was a problem with the internet connection. No duh! I rebooted the router and modem. tried again. Same thing. Called my ISP, they reset the modem. Played...all of 3 minutes. Ate breakfast, tried again, called the ISP Again. Maybe it's a problem with my router. Tried again. This time when it dropped me, I pulled up a website on my baby laptop at the same time I lost connection in game. Website came up fine, game dropped me. Maybe it's the computer. Installing SP3, because, really, what have I got to lose. After the restart, maybe things will work again....who knows. Still having problems with the wifi on that computer. can't get anything. Sending....sometimes, but not recieving data. really really close to just formatting and showing this thing who's boss.....but I'd rather not do that if I dont have to. Dad's going to bring me a Cat5 cable to hardwire into the modem and see if I still have problems. I'm starting to think my wireless card is going bad. hopefully they're not too expensive on new egg.......hell. I might have some floating around.....

Pain Journal: Entry 1

So, I've been thinking about starting a pain journal, and I realized, I need to stop thinking about it. Today is my first day off work this week because of pain, but if it hadn't been for my doctor appointment yesterday, I'd have left early then.

I'll start there, because that's what started today's pain.

9:00 or so, I notice pain in my upper left arm. It feels like I over worked my muscle, even though I haven't. My arm feels weak.

10:00 or so, I started noticing pain in my back, around my left shoulder blade. My bra irritated it and I really tried to move my bra strap so it wouldn't hurt, but I couldn't seem to do so. It was a burning sensation on the skin, as if I was sunburnt. I also had a tenseness in my neck and back muscles on that side.

1:30 I'm still having the pains in my neck and arm. It's more severe now. I'd rate it a 6 on a scale of 1-10. I have to go to the doctor, so I carefully pick up my things and leave the office. I get there at around 1:45 and wait for about 45 minutes.

By the time I leave the office at 3:00 or so (a long story I will explain in a follow up post), I just want to go home and get that bra off!! But I need to get my Rx filled and home, so I head to Costco. The drive there, I am nearly in tears from the pain in my back. I feel miserable, but I manage to find a good parking spot, wait for my precriptions, and take my self back out to my car. By now, the pain is easily around 8. I make the quick drive home, Once inside the house, the bra is off, which helps aleviate some of the pain. I change into my pajamas and come back downstairs to relax. I take a vicodin which helps a little bit, but it's not gone. I'm hesitant to use a heating pad because the pain has been hot. I just don't know if it's a good idea.

11:00 I get ready for bed. My pain has now spread to my left calf as well. I get upstairs and think a bath might help, but i'm in too much pain and don't have enough energy. I take my meds. It's painful to hold the water bottle in my left hand. I get in bed and try to sleep on my right side like normal. I have a pillow I rest my left hand on. after about 15 minutes, the pain is excruciating. I have shooting pain in my neck and my arm hurts so bad.

I decide It might actually be more comfortable to lay on my back. I lay there, my entire left side of my body is in pain. Even that isnt totally comfortable. But finally, I fall asleep somehow. I feared I was going to have to go to the ER. My pain reached about a 9.

This morning, I had a difficult time waking up. I set my alarm to go off at 8:00 but didn't wake up until 9:00. When I did, my arm, neck, and leg still hurt, but it had gone back down to about a 6 in pain. I would have liked to stay in bed, but I had to call in sick to work. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. All morning I've been so tired. I took a vicodin first thing this morning, but it hasn't helped the pain much. I decided to go back to bed and take a nap around 11. I woke up at 2, My pain has subsided a bit. I can still feel this weird weakness in my arm and leg. I'm going to be keeping an eye on this.

Playing with Dad's Laptop

So, we finally got my Dad's laptop back from Acer technical support. And FINALLY, it works. Hardware. I told them that from the get go, but did they listen to me? noooooo...... But I'm not bitter.

So, now, because my Dad wants to play with Vista (why anyone would want to do that is beyond me, but it gives me more opportunity to gripe about it), I get to tweak it. So, just a few tweaks I've made so far:

**WARNING** I am editing the registry (regedit, if you don't know) which I don't recommend unless you know what you're doing. These are just changes I've made to make my Dad's life easier.

Disable the Remote Desktop Warning when connecting to older versions of Windows (so annoying when Dad logs into his work computer):

HKEY_CURRENT_USER/Software/Microsoft/Terminal Server Client
Create DWORD "AuthenticationLevelOverride" and set to 0

Disable those annoying Ballon Tips that pop up:

HKEY_CURRENT_USER/Software/Microsoft/Windows/CurrentVersion/Explorer
Create DWORD "EnableBalloonTips" and set to 0

Worth a few laughs

You have to watch the car at the very end.......It has that "Oh crap!" feel to it. lol

Blah Day

Ugh....I hate Mondays. My friend, Altz, last night told me "Just remember! While you're at work tomorrow............I'll be playing Everquest." Butthead.... What I'd give just to be home right now, drowning my pain and sorrows in orc and goblin blood. Lol.

I stayed up too late talking with him last night. I've been in a mostly good mood all weekend, but now, I dunno. Last night I was a wreck. Depressed and crying, and poor Altz having to listen to me. He's a good friend, but he can be a real butthead sometimes. He just made a choice recently about his character in EQ2 I don't like. It means he won't be able to play with me as much, and even though it feels selfish to want him to stay and play with me, he wasn't happy. But with him gone, now I'm not happy....sigh. I'm losing my friends there one by one. And I'm afraid......afraid he's going to be next.

My love of the game makes little sense to most other people. I've had my emotional highs and lows with that game. At least there, I feel alive. I'm not limited. I can run, I can keep up with my friends. I can still do things with them and I don't have to leave early because I'm in pain, more often than not. FM does not limit me as much there like it does in real life. I have good friends there who care about me. I have enemies who hate my guts. And I still feel.

But I'm regretting now that I stayed up as long as I did. And that I spent all night crying. He told me we'd talk on msn today, but we haven't......and that scares the crap out of me. The day is just beginning though, so I'm hoping when he does get back online, he will actually talk to me.

When you see me

A friend of mine on my Fibromyalgia Support Forum posted this in her journal. I had to share it. This is exactly how I feel. This is what Fibromyalgia is like.

When you see me on a "good day"
I may look as if nothing’s wrong,
But I, myself, am very aware
That the energy won’t last long.

You may think that I am lazy,
Or I just don’t like to try,
Or maybe I am just depressed,
When sometimes you see me cry.

You may not understand me,
It’s not easy to explain,
The struggles that I so often endure,
As I live each day in pain.

People may offer their opinions,
Thinking that I just need some advice,
Yet they don’t really comprehend,
Although they are trying to be nice.

What for some may be so easy,
Is almost impossible to me,
But because I may look healthy,
Many around me fail to see.

Perhaps it seems that I’m sloppy,
If I would only take more pride,
It’s sad that many don’t stop to see,
The person who is inside.

Planning things is so hard to do,
With each day uncertain fate,
The best that I can do is try,
And oftentimes I have to wait.

Life can be so stressful,
Even when you have your health,
Many people cannot even imagine,
Giving up their dreams and wealth.

While some people may worry,
How to fit everything into each day,
Others of us must struggle,
To even find a way.

So often misunderstood,
Some say that is must be "in my head,"
Yet there are days that it takes all I have
To even get out of bed.

You’d think that if one is weary,
Then why not just take a nap,
But the fatigue at times is so severe,
That nothing seems to help.

If exercise were the answer,
I would just move into a gym,
But intolerance and unbearable pain
Makes it difficult to stay trim.

That’s alright just take a pill--
Medications can always do some good,
However, sometimes the effects are far worse,
Oh, but how wonderful it would be if I could!

Living each day fighting defeat,
Knowing that you can’t give up and quit,
Even though it gets hard to do,
Find ways of accepting it.

I guess it would be a better thing,
If there were a little more support,
Everyone longs for acceptance and love,
As they keep their life in sort.

If I could make the world aware,
Help them to see things in a new light,
Be careful on what they base their view,
That they may receive a new insight.

Then maybe when someone else comes along,
Who is going through something unknown,
They may not feel so hopeless and scared,
And will know that they’re not alone.

Whether it be a terminal thing,
Or something chronic with no known cure,
There are many processes that will be faced
In this we can rest assured.

The grieving over loss is hard,
Whatever the loss may be.
What may be just a bump for you,
Could seem like a mountain to me.

Everyone responds so differently,
We all have our own ways to cope,
But the one thing that we must never do,
Is believe that there’s no hope.

For I faithfully trust in God above,
And no matter what the future may bring,
I know that He is holding my hand,
And He’s in control of EVERYTHING.

by Mary Hastings

written May 2003

Can't Believe I'm Actually Awake

You know, of all the things I deal with with my FMS, I hate the sleepless nights the most. I don't feel I get enough rest as it is, and then my body decides sleep just isn't going to happen. Last night, I took all my meds, NyQuil for a cold I'm fighting off, and went upstairs to bed. For an hour and a half, I tossed and turned. I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. Just when I thought I'd fall asleep, the pain started shooting through my arms (of all the places). I tried adjusting the pillow I usually hold (to support my arms.....noticed it usually helps with the pain). No matter what I did, I couldn't get to sleep. So, I gave up and went downstairs to do some work on my computer. At 5:00, I finally felt like I could actually sleep. I went back upstairs and fell sleepily into bed. 3 hours to go until my alarm clock goes off to wake me for work. Fortunately I did fall asleep almost immediately. 9:00 (yes, I slept through the alarm for an hour) I got up, got ready and headed into work. Fortunately, I work for my Dad, and he's understanding of FMS and what it does to me. He doesn't mind if I'm late as long as I get my work done.

So here I am, supposedly working (well, waiting on help to work on computers. Not able to lift them up to the desk like I used to.....at least not this week), and yet wide awake. Apparently, the sleep I got, if short, was restful. Thank God for small favors!

The Most Fun I've Had At Work In A While!!!

Who knew shredding CDs could be so much fun???

My project for the last couple weeks at work has been to sort through a bunch of old computer parts recovered from storage. In and amongst all of that .... crap ... was a bunch of software, disks with old files, etc. Because of the nature of the business and the content on the cds, I had to shred them. We've got a mondo shredder that can apparently handle CDs. Oh, it was so much fun!! when ever it at one up, the noise it made was beautiful...like the sound effects on an old 8-bit video game. 1UP!!!

LOL. I sacrificed the CD Lamp I was planning to make for this. It was SOOO worth it. One of these days, I'll still make the lamp, but I'll just buy a spindle of blank CDs. I know where to get them cheap. hee hee

Bored out of my mind

Isn't that the reason most blogs are started? Someone at some point got bored and said "Hey! I think I'll put my every thought up on the internet for the world to see!" Well, I had that same thought today....and hopefully I don't get myself in trouble. I have so many ideas, so many things to blog about, that I may find myself unable to do anything but blog.......ok...I'm exaggerating, but I do foresee several blogs a day. I have so much to blog about.

First things first, as a Christian and a thinker, I'm bound to have great epiphanies, stories about my own walk with God, and words of encouragement. There is a story I wrote a while back that I will have to dig up and post on here that I found most encouraging to me with what I was dealing with at that time.

I am a part-time Web Designer and Computer Technician. I love working with computers, software, hardware.........If it has a circuit, give it to me. I am the Queen Geek. Gadgets are my drug of choice. You should see the high I get when I get a new toy. I can find anything online.....a lint trap for the dryer, carriage belt for a plotter (actual examples found and ordered in 15 minutes flat!)......I have become known in my family as the Google Queen (not to be confused with the borg queen, although, now that I think about it, I can't say we're that different, really).

I was also recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. FMS is basically a condition where you have chronic pain in your muscles and joints. I've read that it may be a neurological condition where the brain reacts to stimuli differently than someone who doesn't have FMS. It is still very much a mystery and is being researched more thoroughly. There is still much to be learned about it. I've considered becoming involved in a study of Fibromyalgia, but I haven't decided yet....

And last but not least, I'm an Everquest 2 addict. Well, perhaps addict is too strong a word, but I'm pretty close. I love playing the game and the people I play with. I've made great friends there, a few enemies, and plenty of memories. I lead a guild on the Nagafen server called From The Ashes. Its a Freeport Guild (Evil-aligned) and we've grown so much in the last few months. I love leading a guild there and couldn't imagine playing without that. It's very much like running a business....Lots of work, lots of frustrations at times, but oh so rewarding!! I love seeing where it goes. I'm hoping to get my Dad to join me. hee hee hee.